you are only 4 and i hope when you grow up you read this letter thrown in a big void where i express my feelings as unsaid prayers
darling.......... mamma is emotionally weak and limped today. while playing in the field when you shouted at her and blamed your fall from the sea saw on her.........she was hurt...badly hurt
i know i am 34 and you 4, i should be more mature but i have no control over this knot that i am feeling in my throat......
why do i expect that your little mind will know and understand my silence...
when we came back home i did not talk for a long time...i was withdrawn in my shell...just trying to heal within...the pain increased knowing that one day you will be gone and there is a possibility that you might turn around and blame me for any type of fall .......
for past few outings i have realised that when you are with your friends you actually do not care about what mamma is saying, in fact you revolt and listen to your friends more than mamma...during our last outing you actually asked me to go away!
i am jotting this letter explaning a few things to you - since i am bad with talking and do not know how to express myself emotionally this letter might be of help to you
- if you feel embarassed about your mother's presence amongst all the baby-sitters, please do not be darling. the only thing that mamma has ever known is to make sure that she is present with you at every stage of your growth, though it might seem little restrictive to you now, in the long run mamma believes it is going to instil a bonding and trust which i would not have been able to achieve if i kept a baby sitter
- i know i get upset, and i am very disciplinary but there is a reason for it sweetheart. mamma is usually anxious about your safety so she shouts and creates scene if you go near fire, vehicle or cycle with speed, it is not to restrict you ... she just wants to be sure that you are safe
- mamma stops you from having junk food because she wants you to stay healthy when she is not around to look after you - not because she is not concerned about your happiness
- mamma beats you up sometimes and yells at you ....but she also cuddles you, sings songs with you, prays for you and weeps horribly everytime she hurts you
- she takes you to the painting class and singing class, not because she wants to spend time alone, but because she wants you to fly high in the sky that belongs to you ... mamma waits for you impatiently ...counting each minute....trying to think of a dish that you would like to have in your personal picnic with me ...she sits on the stairs of your painting class waiting for your return...and she is not doing any favor..she is chosen this road for her self...
- she wants you to sleep for an hour or two everyday, not because she wants to do her own things (that is one of the reasons though) but also to make sure that your body is ready for second half of the day ....you are tired and drained once you are back from school. a good bath and a picnic on the terrace refreshes you. a short sleep will keep you healthy and your brain will grow in a more healthy manner if you have physical rest.. mamma knows all this - so the discipline ....
- mamma is impatient - this is a natural flaw that she was born with , it shows in her drawings, writings, speech etc... but mamma was also born with immense love in heart....hope you will understand the paradoxical existence of both in her being and love her with her flaws- your approval and love means a lot to her!
i want you to know that i exist because you exist in my life....
i want you to know that every moment of my life , since i conceived you, i have thought of you ..lived you and loved you
Awww. I want to cry now. Come here. let me hold you and just sit still for a while...
ReplyDeleteDo you want to watch a film and feel better? Movies make me cry. Then, I feel better.
Do you want to eat? Chocolate or cheese? Pizza? Pasta? Junk food??!
I'll tell you a story.
Once upon a time, when I was in primary school, Mum must have been on a holiday from work. She came to give me my tiffin-box at the school gate. Maybe I wasn't able to locate her for a while and when I did, MORON ME pulled a face and took my tiffin-box and said, "Okay, bye." I now wonder as I type to you, why didn't I eat with HER? I could have AT LEAST said, "THANKS!!" Apparently, I had hurt her without realizing it.
I got home from school and my elder sister said to me, "Mum thinks you're embarrassed of her. You can tell me. I won't tell her. She thinks you're embarrassed because other girls have pretty Mums and she is short and not beautiful." I cried. I screamed out, "Of course not! My Mum is the MOST beautiful Mum in the whole wide world!"
I've repeated this story to my Mum a couple of times later in life. Mum doesn't have any memory. ME? I'll never forget.
Phew! Lump in the throat is now hurting me bad. I'm going to give my Mum a hug.
Will you please not cry today so your daughter doesn't cry like me at age 24 about something that happened at age 8??
Story over. :)
You have given your daughter a treasure in the words of this letter. She will open it someday in the future and read what was in your heart, and she will know how much she was loved. This letter will mean so much to her. You are a very special person. You have a beautiful soul, I am so happy I can call you my friend. God Bless.
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ReplyDeleteDear Honey and the girl who needs to talk :) ... thanks for being so kind... something amazing happened yesterday night...she came to me in the kitchen when i was washing utensils quietly and she told me that i was the best mother!! she asked her god friend (bhagwan dost) never to take me away..when we went off to sleep she would not let me go ...she kept kissing me and talking to me about how good i was...!!! she had sensed my hurt at the age of 4!! it is a miracle! when i told her how i felt about the fact that she shouted at me and left me alone she reassured me that the same will not be repeated (apparently she had done it becuase i had given her a beating for not sleeping in the afternoon!)...i dont know if she understood what we were discussing but she did try to make me feel loved and cared!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, your letter reminds me of the ones I've written Mike. I have a hint for you. In a couple of years when she can read and write, start a note book. Mike and I have one that has gone between the two of us for at least the past 10 years. Sometimes just a short sentence, other times we pour our hearts out. It works for hurt feelings, pride, joy, embarrassing moments and even secrets you don't really want to talk about but can write about.
ReplyDeleteYou're a wonderful mama and have a beautiful loving daughter. You're doing terrific. Keep it up.
Take care and God Bless!!!
:) yes Julie, i have a diary for her..i intend to gift it to her when she is 22 :) i jot down my thots there... thanks for your thots...:)
ReplyDelete:) :) :) :) The Mum-daughter bond is so special! Love it!
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you wrote here!! I use to feel that same way when my boys were young and I felt that I left them down or wasn't as cool as the other mothers. My youngest son is 20 and sometimes he still does that. It's because he gets frustrated and angry that he dad is not in his life, his brothers have moved away to start their lives that Brandon thinks he will never accomplish like them. He will, if he believes I tell him.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it hurts me terribly too when he gets upset with lifes falls and blames me. I've been told that it's because we are the closest and that they 'trust' us enough to let their frustrations out. That makes me feel better to remember... sometimes, after the hurt in my heart fades.
Don't be hard on yourself! You are a Terrific mother, person & FRIEND!!
Big Hug,
Coreen
We all love and appreciate you so much!!!!!
This is such a beautiful letter to your 4 year old daughter.
ReplyDeleteI have a 4 year old grand daughter Meghan, and I can't imagain my daughter beating her up. That really bothered me when you wrote that.
Please don't beat your child. You will leave inner scars. Your her mother, her protector.
Dear Carolyn, thanks for your comment! yes, i agree with you that raising your hand on the little one is baddddddd..and i promise i will try to restrain myself no matter what i mood i am in or no matter how tired i am by baby-sitting her, taking her to play, cooking, working and cleaning the house!!!! trust me ... love is the only thing i want to give her..and if losing my cool is going to impact her bringing up ..i would rather not do it !!
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