the wandering soul.....

The topic of life after death has always been very close to my heart. I read, found books, borrowed from friends every time I glimpsed this word or thought that probability of finding something new about this contemplation point was higher in those pages – I don’t know if it was past-life memory that I carried within me but as a child when I could not express properly I would ask my father who made stars.. and who made the ONE who made stars? I was drawn to the nature in a more Para-scientific manner .. I used to and till date wonder how petals can be so specifically defined, colored and placed the way they are.. how is it possible that leaf and tree can nourish themselves..i wonder at nature’s arrangement of photosynthesis process and cross pollination leading to growth and maintenance of species, I wonder how perfect blue sky looks with green forest… how do smallest of beings survive.. how is the matrix of our existence so perfect … I have taught my daughter that HE is a perfect artist .. later I will teach her how perfect a SCIENTIST he is :)


I often wondered how could I dance when I actually had no control over my body … it was as if music seeped through my being and I moved… people said I danced well.. I won competitions, they came to see me perform .. .then one day I grew up .. and it died.. .did I lose my past life learning? When I was going through a depressive phase on how I have stopped dancing I stumbled upon Paulo Coehlo’s book whose protagonist found GOD through dance??!!! From thence I read at least 2 books of his, which talked of magic in succession! Why did i venture into magic realm.. very recently i watched movies on magic one after the other wihtout any planning , it just happened .. after the movies and few days ahead when i was casually scanning channels to find something interesting i stumbled upon "Decoding Magic" on AXN! needless to say .. i visited that program more than once because i was hooked...

My journey into the world beyond scientific explanation became more vigorous when I lost my cousin in an accident which should not have happened

I was drawn to Bhagwat Geeta , the mother of all philosophy books. I had heard from well read people that it contained THE truth, which when discovered, took you to another plane as a person/being.

Neale Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God, came to me at that point in time when I desperately needed an answer for something I was going through. It was a new experience and I was young. I had lost somebody I had shared my life with. She was close to me and despite our differences I loved her. What jolted my impressionable mind was the paradox – I could see her denims, her lipsticks, her stuff but not HER. Didn’t they say soul lasted forever and every earthly thing was transient! How was it possible when her denims existed and she did not? I was scared I would see her when I was alone and I felt tremendously guilty about the fact that I was scared of her spirit form. Didn’t we eat in the same plate the other day? Wasn’t she the one who gave extra rupees to the rickshaw bhaiya just because he was old! She was kind. She would never hurt me but I was scared! I tried my best to connect with her by focusing my energies on her thoughts. I thought, like movies, I would stumble upon her photograph in the book, or something from somewhere will fall near me and I would know it was her message to me. I kept repeating her voice in my head, the last time when she had called me, 10 days prior to the accident. The last time when I had seen her, I had left her sleeping on the bed, and she had lazily asked me if I was leaving for my hostel and I had said yes. Her face, the bed, my movement away from the bed, the room, the flat, kept coming back to my mind. What if I would have stayed back the day incident took place? What if I would have talked to her in detail on the phone the day she called me to wish me happy birthday – her last call, I had sensed the depression in her .. .what if I had tried and made it to the apartment that weekend instead of staying back in my room with my friends and preparing for my exams… what if.. what if.. what if…

She never appeared in my dreams, though she did in my sister’s – she was sad and silent and had walked into the forest

Since I had nobody to talk to, I started reading on what happens once we are not in this physical form. Dr. Brian Weiss happened to me then. They say when you seek an answer universe conspires to grant you the same. His book – Many lives, Many masters was kept in my hostel room. It belonged to my friend’s cousin. I asked her if it was ok for me to read the book. Each page from thereon was a revelation. I could not believe the coincidence of reading precisely what I was looking for.

Dr. Brian Weiss, from Miami, is into regression therapy. He is a psychiatrist who stumbled upon the wealth of past life by accident! Here is the verbatim introduction of his book – Many Masters, Many lives from the introduction page of his book ONLY LOVE IS REAL -

“Dr. Brian Weiss had been working with Catherine, a young patient, for 18 months. When his traditional methods of therapy failed, he turned to hypnosis. As a traditional psychotherapist, Dr. Weiss was skeptical and astonished when Catherine began to recall past-life traumas that seemed to hold the key to her recurring problems”.

In his book, ONLY LOVE IS REAL, he has mentioned an incident where during his guided meditation amidst one of his group conferences a forensic psychiatrist experienced something rare. Mentally he perceived a shadowy presence of a young woman who asked him to announce to the group that “Natasha is well”. Given the fact that such names are rare in that part of the country he was little taken aback but he did the needful. In that crowd was a woman. Her daughter had died tragically in her twenties only 6months ago. Her daughter’s name was Ana Natalia. ONLY her mother called her NATASHA!

I have suffered from lot of anxieties and insecurities since childhood – car crash is one of them. Till date I am rarely able to enjoy car drives due to this fear. Losing my dear ones is a chronic anxiety I suffer from. Was I separated from them in one of my lifetimes? In my younger days I never could commit myself to a relationship for fear of abandonment, I had always seen a flash, a very blurred one, where I am standing in a room, a big one, all alone, it is a furniture-less house, as if WE have just moved into it, and there is a man who has just gone out.. Left me and gone… and I am going through this sense of hopelessness…I have had flashes of a kind face.. a gentle blue eyes… but it can be a deep influence of my liking for Jesus.. and his serenity

I have always , and firmly, believed that I was a French in one of my lifetimes. I somehow see a black cobalt lane – it can be an influence of watching too much of travel and living though :)

I have somehow loved my country so deeply that I feel it was a gift of choice to be born an Indian. No “third world” topic deters me from my pleasure of being an Indian. It is as if I still remember my soul state and everything about this country is ..so inspiring… it is as if I see it from outside and I feel blessed to have acquired body to spend time in this land of beautiful weather, color, happiness, dreams, relationships … it is as if .. i was an outsider and stayed back here because i fell in love with this country !

Why do abusive men happen to you? Why do things, you never anticipated will happen, actually happens to you? Why your fears appear as realities in-front of your eyes? are they premonitions? or you actually attract them to you ? are they past-life baggage and you need to clean up your act to start afresh ? questions and more questions ….

Such experiences have always pushed me to look for answers I cannot discuss scientifically.. it is like air.. it is there.. only the presence is felt… though you can prove its presence by passing bubbles through water but not its visibility… I don’t know how to express this further

Why do I jot this?

Because I am going through one of those phases where I go to my little library and dust the old books and pick up one of them… for I feel restless inside and I need answers.... this time I picked up Dr. Weiss and it stirred lot of thoughts I had not put in words for long…

Why was I propelled to read what I have been reading for past few days? Why is it a compulsive feeling to jot this down today? Is this a message to somebody ? I don’t know .. so I surrender my thoughts to this void, where lies all the questions and answers beyond our under-used minds…

madwoman: The Glassful of Water (dedicated to mother earth)

check out the rare take on water conservation - on loving mother earth
i could not talk about it in so many words so i have used my sister's old post....

madwoman: The Glassful of Water: "This is the story of a glass of water. There was just one glass of water. My great granny had got it from her mother. She’d handed it over..."

The Indian Woman that i am ! ... salsa with the camera...

today the Indian in me decided to experiment with my traditional looks... here is the result!

dead dream..

dreams
die silently in the dark nights
like their silent birth in hopeful sunny afternoons


there is no funeral
no prayers
no weeping
no rememberance

no thing

just a lingering pain in the chest walls
and a choking sadness in the throat
the nostalgia
of their youth

the failure of systems is gradual
fighting the externals
clinging to hope
with no life-support
gradually
they decay
tired and dead
they rest in their own shells

there is no post mortem report
which can conclude
the cause of their death

her first friend!!!!!!!!

my little one has made a friend.. and she loves her so much that as of now her life revolves around Annanya... :)

this is the first time, in the complete journey of motherhood, that i have learned how important is your baby's happiness to you :) so much so that you do things you have never done in life!!

i went ahead and invited Annanya home .. treated her with pop-corn, barbecue chicken and a fairy-tale movie!! i also did a little photo-shoot with both of them .. next step will be to get it framed and display it in my baby's room - i know it will make her happy ...

i have been blessed with friends.. and i know how important they are in our lives.. i am glad my baby has embarked on the same journey :) i am soooooooooooo happy for her!!

strokes....

You cannot please everyone....

This post is dedicated to a friend of mine.. A girl needs 2 talk :)...  here it is for you little one :)....


One day a man was going to market with his son and his ass. they met a couple on the way.

"Why walk when you have an ass to ride?" called out the husband, "seat the boy on the ass."
"I would like that," said the boy, "help me up father."
And the father did that willingly.
Soon they met another couple. "How shameful of you!" cried the woman, "let your father ride, won't he be tired?"
So, the boy got down and the father rode the ass. Again they marched on.
"poor boy", said the next person they met, "why should the lazy father ride while his son is walking?"
So, the boy got onto the ass too. As they went on, they met some travellers.
"How cruel of them!" They are up to kill the poor ass." cried one of the travellers.
Hearing this, the father and the son got down. Now they decided to carry the ass on their shoulders. As they did so, the travellers broke into laughter.
The laughter frightened the ass. It broke free and galloped away.

MORAL: You can not please everyone

i found my love....

There was a prince in my mind through my teen years
from the books

the unconditional love
the silent walks
the wordless understanding
the complete devotion
the sense of security and warmth
the sense of being loved
the sense of giving love
i knew one day he would happen to me

as time passed by
my dream did not die
but the reality check began

i kept dreaming
but passing on the "i will find my love" concept to "next lifetime"

then,
she happened to me

i was besotted
she occupied my mind
i knew i occupied hers!

for no matter what
she understood the unsaid
her eyes would search for me in the room full of people
no pretty woman made it to her list
she never cheated on me
i was the love of her life
she cared sincerely
she cried when i cried
she knew exactly what hurt me
she sensed my sadness when i smiled
with her little hand she would hold my face
with her salivating lips she would seal a kiss of faith on me
we had a silent love
pure as white

i felt so complete
this was an awesome feeling

i had discovered what i lingered for so long
the true love

not in the form of prince - the man who would walk me through all the struggles
but, in the form of princess - the child who would be beside me on my deathbed

love had different dimensions
and this was the most divine and pure of all
i felt liberated from an incessant search of sufi love

i was lucky
i would always be her ONLY love...!

the gypsy and the desert...

i had not a penny then
i was a free bird
no cares in the world
no fear to lose my wealth
no anxiety of saving for bills

i flew like Livingston seagull
flew for the sake of flying
high up in the sky
experimenting with my dives
i had no care for the impression i would create on the other birds
i did not care

i danced with the cloud
i sang
i painted
i laughed
i talked to the wind
i dreamt
i was the undisputed princess of the world so beautiful, honest and white

then i grew up

started working for my living
paying my bills
felt the fear of valuables i gathered
i was anxious
i cared
i could not experiment with the dive
i would be cast out of the group
labelled a rebel
stoned to death

i forgot
to dance
to laugh
to dream

the gypsy soul
couched and restrained in my mind
i walked through the desert
looking at the seagulls flying high up in the sky
carrying the dead me on my shoulder

i was a conformist now

once upon a time...

i scribble this story today for reasons i don't know.. it has left a dent in my psyche and might keep haunting me for all my life .... sometimes it surfaces very strongly on my being and so i chose to jot it down here

i read it long back in a series from Reader's Digest or Chicken Soup for soul (not very sure which one)

this story has haunted me since the time i read it, i howled then, i howl now... and everytime i think of it i feel deeply disturbed

.............................................................................................

A little boy had a mother with only ONE eye. he was really embarassed when she would come visiting him in the school. one day he came home and shouted at his mother - he did not want her visiting him in the school because she had only ONE eye and he was embarassed of her

Time flew

He grew up and like any natural progression dissociated himself with his mother and settled down in a new place. he was still embarassed of her ONE eye

one day his mother died

He came back for her funeral

SHE had left a letter for him (written down here - but not verbatim)

My dear son,

when you were little, you met with an accident and lost your ONE eye. as a mother i could not bear the thought that you would live your life with only one eye. so i gave my eye to you. i am sorry for being an embarassment to you

......................................................................................

i scribble it today for i know that all the mothers give their one eye to their children in forms not very known or clear as this story ... wonder how the children translate it ???........

salsa with the camera...

 ok..i wanted to experiment further to see if the camera still captures my energy....the photographs are processes in Picasa....subject of the shoot is boring but the experimentation is not....:)

My angel in oil.....

well... this was long due... after a long churning period i had to pick up my brush and do what i was longing to do for quite some time now..

i am not a pro..so the strokes are crude...used only one layer of oil paint since i do not have the patience as of now to wait and apply the second layer!

i know that the grey/black strokes should have been softer not killing the innocence of the face..but i did not know how to make them more soft...might put another layer on it to make it more subtle after a week or so....



Cool Coorg...We had a blast!!!

 

our time together

my angel and me decided to have a blast and we had a private photo-shoot on our terrace with my simple digicam.. some of them are processed on picasa... :)

A letter to my daughter....

My dear darling,

you are only 4 and i hope when you grow up you read this letter thrown in a big void where i express my feelings as unsaid prayers

darling.......... mamma is emotionally weak and limped today. while playing in the field when you shouted at her and blamed your fall from the sea saw on her.........she was hurt...badly hurt

i know i am 34 and you 4, i should be more mature but i have no control over this knot that i am feeling in my throat......

why do i expect that your little mind will know and understand my silence...

when we came back home i did not talk for a long time...i was withdrawn in my shell...just trying to heal within...the pain increased knowing that one day you will be gone and there is a possibility that you might turn around and blame me for any type of fall .......

for past few outings i have realised that when you are with your friends you actually do not care about what mamma is saying, in fact you revolt and listen to your friends more than mamma...during our last outing you actually asked me to go away!

i am jotting this letter explaning a few things to you - since i am bad with talking and do not know how to express myself emotionally this letter might be of help to you

• if you feel embarassed about your mother's presence amongst all the baby-sitters, please do not be darling. the only thing that mamma has ever known is to make sure that she is present with you at every stage of your growth, though it might seem little restrictive to you now, in the long run mamma believes it is going to instil a bonding and trust which i would not have been able to achieve if i kept a baby sitter
• i know i get upset, and i am very disciplinary but there is a reason for it sweetheart. mamma is usually anxious about your safety so she shouts and creates scene if you go near fire, vehicle or cycle with speed, it is not to restrict you ... she just wants to be sure that you are safe
• mamma stops you from having junk food because she wants you to stay healthy when she is not around to look after you - not because she is not concerned about your happiness
• mamma beats you up sometimes and yells at you ....but she also cuddles you, sings songs with you, prays for you and weeps horribly everytime she hurts you
• she takes you to the painting class and singing class, not because she wants to spend time alone, but because she wants you to fly high in the sky that belongs to you ... mamma waits for you impatiently ...counting each minute....trying to think of a dish that you would like to have in your personal picnic with me ...she sits on the stairs of your painting class waiting for your return...and she is not doing any favor..she is chosen this road for her self...
• she wants you to sleep for an hour or two everyday, not because she wants to do her own things (that is one of the reasons though) but also to make sure that your body is ready for second half of the day ....you are tired and drained once you are back from school. a good bath and a picnic on the terrace refreshes you. a short sleep will keep you healthy and your brain will grow in a more healthy manner if you have physical rest.. mamma knows all this - so the discipline ....
• mamma is impatient - this is a natural flaw that she was born with , it shows in her drawings, writings, speech etc... but mamma was also born with immense love in heart....hope you will understand the paradoxical existence of both in her being and love her with her flaws- your approval and love means a lot to her!

the other day when i came back home after getting stuck on the road for an auto for about 2 hrs, i was cold and wet, mentally and physically tired ...but when you held my hand and asked me what happened..i wanted to live 100 lives in that moment... you are my blessing..my star......my biggest reason of existence..

i want you to know that i exist because you exist in my life....

i want you to know that every moment of my life , since i conceived you,  i have thought of you ..lived you and loved you

ours is a relationship not a business

she did everything for me that an elder sister should do

she is a year younger to me

on my birthday she called me early morning to come and see her urgently - anxious and scared i rushed to her hostel only to find her smiling . she took me to her room, closed my eyes and asked me to open my eyes after 5 mts - what i saw was a brilliant music system infront of me - she knew i loved music and she had saved her pocket money to get me a music system !!! that was when both of us were still graduating in DU and we had 1000 rs as pocket money a month to sustain ourselves!

one day in hostel i wanted to have chowmein very badly ; clumsy as i was, i did not know what to do, where to go in the university area to get some except to let my sis know about this urge- in next thirty minutes i had her on my hostel gate! she got is packed from her canteen and came all the way from Miranda house to drop it to daulatram

when i started working i never had enough money to pursue my dream. one day very casually i told her how i had this violent urge inside me to do an oil-paint. she saved her pocket money and on my birthday i had a range of oil color tubes, mix of different sized brushes, set of three cloth canvas, linseed oil, turpentine oil and an easel. when i did not know how to hold a brush i made around 10 oil paints in a short span of few months. next time she got a small canvas pad for me from Delhi Book Fair.

though i was working and she was studying, end of every month she would lend me money and everytime i told her to take it back she would tell me only one thing - ours is a relationship not a business

she bought Paulo Coehlo and others from different stores to gift the set of books to me because she knew with my meagre earning i would not be able to buy them - she taught me to read, to explore who i was, she was my guardian angel quenching my thirst for search of ONE

she made sure i had lassi whenever we went out in sunny scorching afternoons of Delhi in the Kingsway Camp Area- she would pay for it - always.....

when we were kids and were in 3rd standard or so - one day some petals fell in one of my eyes and i started crying - we were in hostel - that day she went beserk - she barked, howled, cried and was ready to kill anybody who got delayed in getting me help

when i went to a beauty parlor and the beautician did a wrong razor cut on my hair - my sister blasted off the beutician for experimenting with my hair

she has been a constant figure along with my father in all my dreams ( i can interpret my own dreams) giving me signals of future success since childhood

today i feel lonely without her

till date i feel insecured without her - i am so used to being around her

till date when i want to discuss movies and books i call her up, i am married with a kid, she is newly married with a job - but not even once she makes a noise about "not having time"

she is a copywriter, a photographer, an awesome individual, a free spirit, she carries saris as beautifully as she can carry a mini, she treks, she reads, she sings, she is temperamental, she is cool, she is a kid, she is a parent, she has been my best mentor, the most patient friend i have ever had

she is an awesome mix of tradition and modernity

i believe and i know she is a mother from one of my lifetimes

without her - i do not exist

It happened yet again!!!

So it happened to me yet again

I am a great believer in subconscious and the realm beyond the given. I have experienced and felt things which cannot be explained scientifically but people who have gone through the same will identify with my post immediately

Here is a snapshot of another reeling experience (with no explanation)

PREMISE-
In my quest to know what happens beyond body (I was drawn to it when I lost my cousin with whom I had shared my food, clothes, days, dreams, anger, fights etc..) I have had experiences which cannot be explained (at least I am not capable of it since I am not very well-read)

It all began when I would see her things lying around me – her denim, her lipsticks, her tops …. My young mind was extremely confused …..did’nt we learn early on in life that all these things are tangible and meaningless …that what was true was the “soul” – “US”. How come I was not able to feel her soul …. Did’nt we talk on phone exactly 10 days prior to the incident? I mean, I could talk to her even now ..so what if the body was not there – the soul was! And lot of movies showed we could talk to them right??! How come her denim is a reality (I could see it on chair in-front of me ) and not her presence (I wanted to touch her , talk to her)

Anyways, with my impressionable mind which was thoroughly confused about everything in life, I started looking for answers – what happens when we quit our body? What?

Then things started happening - it might have been because I opened my eyes to them – probably they were scattered all around me and yet I was not able to see them! Books and people who were on the same quest path started happening to me, one after the other – conversations with god, messages from masters, life beyond death, etc.

Once I was sitting in my YWCA room and there was a Linda Goodman book lying around. I like sun signs but I was never into star-signs, since the book was lying unattended for quite a few days I decided to leaf through it casually ..and voila!!! It was a book not on sun-signs ..but lot of other topics along with some sections on body and soul (what happens to soul post departing!)

Another room-mate of mine had borrowed a book from her cousin. It was lying unattended in her cupboard. Since I was more of an introvert I had loads of time to paint, sketch, read etc. so I asked her if I could scan through it – she was more than glad to give it to me…...the book was named messages from masters …and guess what…it was full of real life incidents of past-life !! I was mesmerised by this thing of attracting books which contained answers to my quest- if I did not have money to buy them they would walk and come to me through different sources.

I read Bhagwat Gita, I read Bible when I was in school and I had this earnest desire to read Quran. I have a strong belief that I was a muslim in one of my lifetimes. I was born with an incessant desire to follow purdah but with teenage gone the thought and idea has been pushed behind. Anyways, I also harbour this thirst to know the psyche of any belief system (to know that they talk of the same thing in different tones)

Here is what happened –

I was standing on the bus stop yesterday to pick up my little one after my office hours and rush home (I am into a part-time job now)

I have a few metal furnitures and I need to repaint them very urgently. They are black and are old and I want a fresh color coat on them.

I approached this hardware shop right across the road (to kill time till my baby’s bus arrived, the heavy laptop on my shoulder hurts bad) and started talking to this Bhaiya (we address shop owners and all as “brothers”) and told him how I wanted to re-paint these furnitures with nice happy fresh shades available etc.. the discussion continued and I wanted to know how much it will cost (had to be within my budget!). After the discussion was over and I was about to leave he stopped me and said “ I want to gift you something”. My first thought was “damned!! I should not have smiled and talked, now he is trying to flirt with me” , needless to say the first emotion I felt was of utter disgust and anger. I controlled myself and told him in a cool manner “I have’nt yet said yes to the assignment, I might not get the things re-painted through you if the money is too much, then why do you want to gift me anything”?. He smiled and said “does not matter”. Then he leaned down and got out a small book. He said “I want you to have this as a gift”. I looked at it …………and hold you breath………………..it was a pocket sized QURAN!!!!!! I was speechless…I just mumbled thanks and smiled and came back with the book …………..

Now, I have no explanation for why a QURAN would come to me through a hardware shop wala bhaiya I have never seen earlier…. NOTHING…..nothing here makes sense except the fact that I needed a copy of QURAN and it walked to me ….in my hands..on the road…through a hardware shop wala bhaiya i had never seen or met before ……………

I had an angel coming to my house....mere ghar aayi ek nanhi pari!!

Happy birtday darling....

i love you....

happy birthday sweetheart

ain't i pretty!

look i can fly on the ground...like a seagull on sea-face!!

starry starry night.............

hmm...

since my childhood i have carried this little world inside me, in my head and in my soul.....
after a prolonged thot i decided to send it to the void which has almost become my dialogue-space in my journey for search of ONE..it is the stretch of sky where i soar when i want to delink myself from everything around me...

have a look at it

• when you want to space out - you actually go and sit with the stars in the sky - the black vacuum at night...there is no travelling-fare since clouds can be speedy and free. you can play with the cool, sparkling stars with your hands sitting on the mountain of cloud and come back to this world when you have had enough of break
• nobody talks to anybody in words..everything is unsaid....soul transmits the message and there is telepathy between hearts and mind
• everyday is green and beautiful. fresh.
• every morning is grateful to the energy from where we come and to where we will go ultimately
• there are no deaths - no loved ones separate from each other . post death (just a transition to the other realm of experience) they interact with us in a little more subtle form. they are with us like they would be when in body. there is no pang of separation. they still talk to us, laugh with us, have dinner and outings .... 
• the self realisation process is contingent upon how much happiness can we give to each other. there is no theory of pain. nobody has to go thru pain to achieve self-realisation.
• there is an effort to reach to the next plane of existence but that is not dependent on struggles but on how much love we are able to distribute and how much peace can we bring to each other
• the gifts are not paper wrapped latest technologies but a blessing and a smile, a set of sparking smiling eyes ... 
• people are rich not because they have money - in this world if somebody is rich it is understood that the person has accumulation of blessings he has gathered from helping/handholding his mates
• everybody has equal strength of spending and earning beauty of life - love, laughter, peace, serenity ...
• that bodies could be transcended at any given point in time as per the wish of the body-holder
• if separation is imperative it is automatic that when your loved ones quit your heart stops beating ..so you quit with them

the whiteness of that world attracts me...calls me...forces me to experiment with truth in life... i am weak...i give up...i break down ..but then i get up and say thanks to ONE...
for i know ..
that the world which exists in my mind, heart and soul
is possible

the little doll who had a heart..

he was very excited
this doll was exactly what he had been wanting for so long
she had beautiful hair
and delicate face
oh ..how much he admired her...
he pampered her, loved her, looked after her..caressed her....

then one day

he was in a bad mood
he wanted to ventilate
so he hit the doll on the floor
next minute he felt guilty
and picked her up
he pampered her, loved her, looked after her..caressed her....

another day

he was again in bad mood....
he hit the doll on the floor again
oh..next minute he felt guily again
so he wept...
and picked her up

he pampered her, loved her, looked after her..caressed her....

this became an exercise now... every day after some interval

one day
when he was guilty and wanted to say sorry to doll
he realised something had gone horribly wrong

the doll had blood coming out of her heart...
her face gone black from sadness of love and hate
there were crystals strewn all around her
broken crystal souls....

oh my god...
what have i done
he thought to himself...

oh my god
i did not know
this doll had a soul
a mind
a heart of her own

but it was too late...
he could do nothing to revive her

the doll had died of broken heart and trust

it was too late.....

I am the kabuliwalah in the desert ....

my darling
when i sail through the desert of life
all parched and thirst
my soul giving up
my sole all burnt up
i find the scrambed paper
with your little handprints
in my heart...

when i start dying of hunger and thirst
and when life blows its hot wind on my face
and when i am just about to give up

i find the little piece of bread
tucked inside the scrambled paper
you so fondly put inside my pocket
while playing with me

my darling
i wake up then
and i begin living

you are the manna of my life
and in that handprint of yours
i see my life line
so snuggly
entwined with your destiny line...

my sweetheart..i survive all
and i know
i will make it
because i have YOU
my little angel
my baby

Business is all about Bottomline - not for this legend...who mends the heart on top - Meet Dr. DEVI SHETTY

Dr. Devi Shetty

My admiration for this man is inexplicably intricate to explain !

Meet the guy who made it possible for a normal man to have a heart surgery.

This man will make you sit and think about all the corporate rhetorics you have ever gone through..it will tell you to re-look at your accounting skills ...

and the best part - it might just remind YOU about WHO you are and what HUMAN SPIRIT is capable of

what sets him apart his sheer spirituality in business!! he uses the "scale" of his operations to "optimise" the cost for poor and poorer still!!!

(photo courtsey - ref:http://www.virtualbangalore.com/Ppl/PplDrDevi.php

THE MAN who is an inspiration

THE MAN who has been chosen by divine to represent itself in human form and give a glimpse of what divinity is capable of ....

He has ideated things like an insurance coverage with premium of INR5 for poor Indians and he has a vision of having a heart centre in the remotest town and village of India, he is also into surgeries by using video conferencing technique

i am not able to contain in words my sheer admiration for this mind-boggling personality

my SALUTE to him!!

check this out - (article source - IBNLive)

A heart surgery here costs Rs. 110,000, much less than what it costs elsewhere. Even so, you pay the full price only if you can afford it. Many don’t pay at all. In 2008, out of 6,088 heart surgeries at the Bangalore centre, only 1,232 were fully paid for. Yet, the hospital makes a tidy profit. The Narayana Hrudyalaya group had a turnover of close to Rs. 300 crore in 2008-09, up from Rs. 150 crore in the previous year.

==========================================================================

It’s not for nothing that patients come here in droves. It has an impossible-sounding success rate of 95 percent and charges a fraction of what other heart hospitals do. The charismatic Dr Devi Shetty, the hospital’s founder, has been relentlessly pursuing a mission: To make world-class healthcare affordable to the masses. “Hundred years after the first heart surgery was done, only 8 percent of the world’s population can afford it,” he says, quickly pointing out that this is a five-year-old statistic and today we might be worse off. “What happens to the rest?” asks Shetty.

===========================================================================

Before Devi Shetty, it was considered impossible to drive down costs to such levels; even now, no one has been able to replicate this. Top-flight management researchers want to understand how Shetty does it. “The mortality rate in Narayana Hrudyalaya is much lower than in New York State for similar kinds of heart disease,” says University of Michigan’s C.K. Prahalad. The hospital has been discussed extensively in his 2004 bestseller, The Fortune at the Bottom of the Pyramid. It has also become a case study at Harvard Business School. Adds Kokila P. Doshi, professor of Economics at University of San Diego’s business school, “Till now the trend was that government serves the poor. Shetty has shown that private enterprise can serve the poor profitably.”

===================================================================================

ref:http://www.virtualbangalore.com/Ppl/PplDrDevi.php

His list of achievements is incredible to say the least. He is the first heart surgeon in India to venture into neo-natal open-heart surgery. He performed the first open-heart surgery in the world to close a hole in the heart with the help of a microchip camera. He used an artificial heart for the first time in India and performed the first surgery in India using the blood vessels of the stomach to bypass the blocked arteries of the heart.

The list is in fact endless. He also performed Asia’s first dynamic cardiomyoplasty operation/ Dr Shetty's another claim to fame is his effort in reducing the cost of heart operations. The package pricing system devised by him has made heart surgery affordable to the common man. He is also responsible for introducing the concept of assembly line heart surgery, which aims at reducing the cost of surgery and achieving zero mortality.

But everybody will agree that his greatest achievement has been his work with children. He operates free for kids under twelve, and of his 13000 operations in a 16 year career span, over 5000 operations were on children. For him, compassion is the biggest thing in life. He has gone on record many times to say that, “If I am given a choice I would like to treat only poor patients. But unfortunately the economic reality does not allow me to do that

If you want to read further and revel in the beauty of human spirit..go on ...type his name in google and spend some time with this man.....who for me is a Mahatama (Gandhi) reborn....

Let me be sane.

Let me walk up to the snowy hill

All alone
In silence
carrying the "me" on "my" shoulder
heavy, crooked, entangled and lost
In deep discussion with the noiseless blue evening
My face covered with a white cloth
Only my eyes visible
So that I can see and sense the "search"around me

all other senses... laid to rest

let me drink the evening through my being
let it percolate through me
let me walk
let me talk
let me embrace the snow, the evening, the silence, the mountain, the me
I have some major discussions to do

Let me be sane.

Please leave me alone.

Thanks for everything .....YOU are the BEST MANAGER (after SIR :))

Dear Siraj,
This letter is sent to the little void where i send my thots in form of “prayers” and gratitude. I want you to read this and know that by sending my thots to the universe I have expressed my ultimate gratitude for what I was blessed with and I am sure that the thots will come back to you in the form of blessings ...
=========================================================
So i have a job in hand after a sabbatical of one year

Am i happy? Am i excited?

When I started going through my letters, documents, payment slips to be submitted to my new employer, I wept. I was flooded with the memory of burnt coffee, smelling of honesty and workholism....it happened without my conscious knowledge.....

instead of feeling the excitement of new phase of my life...i felt depressed and homeless...

Each CDA certificate and letter made me feel more miserable. I missed my team, my floor, my cubicle, my journey to the campus, my fights, my laughter, my sharing ………..and so many more things……….

My three wholesome years.

Did I ever tell you –

You were not only my manager but my mentor, my best friend, my well-wisher, a big brother who towered over me to protect me from all my mistakes! (in my mind of course!)

I remember the day when the meeting on appraisal was cancelled in front of the whole management team and I was reduced to tears. I was confused with anger, frustration and embarrassment all flooding my mind and psyche together. I wanted to shout and simply walk away from room - away from PAS.
You waited patiently and kindly for me till the conference - room was empty. You went and talked to the concerned person and made sure my side of the story was heard…I still see you walking towards his cabin, sitting on the table near my chair and trying to placate my shaken self…

I was about to resign that day – but I stopped – for you.

I made mistakes. And you forgave. Always. Patiently.

Till I met you, I never knew a mathematical mind could be so spiritual, so brute honest and yet so very much humane. A financial wizard, a 33 year old CEO, the man who carried his bag on his back, who travelled in auto (when required) without embarrassment, who stood in line during lunch hours…..man who could talk to numbers and see the pattern we average mind could not .. the man you could call at 3 am and know that if there is anybody who can rush to your help – it is him …(I have heard some stories I don’t want to write here..) …the man who wanted to dole-out good bonus to his team so that they could buy a house and a car .....the man who believed in SEMCO style of working ....the man who was temperamental and yet so patient!!

You were the monk who sold his Ferrari, the Howard Roark, the man I admire so much – MY HERO and a hero to lot of analytic-brains on the floor


Did you know?

- I was almost certain that you will throw me out when I announced my pregnancy only after 4 months of joining PAS , but I was surprised that you were “genuinely” happy for me
- I was immensely touched by the fact that you had asked people not to smoke around me because I was pregnant!!
- Manjunath P made sure I did not get down the bus during our off (on)-site trip to Kerala because I was pregnant – Vaidehi, Vani and Manjunath would make sure I had fruits and disposed my plates with their own hands!
- I had a godh-bharai rasam in office , obviously in south – Indian fashion. Vaidehi and Vani did all the rituals to make sure I did not miss my parents and family in the seventh month of my pregnancy (offered me clothes, bangles, etc..)
- Dr. Shan fed me with home-made biryani (cooked by his mother) when I was in the initial phase of pregnancy and could not eat anything
- On my farewell day Harish (senior) held my hand and said he loved me for the person I was. that was one of the best compliments I have ever had from a colleague
- I loved the fact that Kumar had asked the ISO auditor to give me a slot for audit in the schedule timeline that suited my need since I had a baby to take care of and I could not be in office for so long……. I was touched…
- That, there are innumerable instances when I have felt a sense of gratitude towards you for not judging me and giving me my space to perform the way I wanted to ….
- That, I always prepared thoroughly for out meetings on Friday and would have a panic attack 30 mts prior to the meeting – I would pray fervently to GOD for the cancellation of the meeting!!!!

………..That when I left PAS
I left a part of me there

Will I ever be passionate about any other place the way I was for SAVILLS and PAS…will I be again blessed with a manager like SIR and YOU…. Will my belief, that in the cut-throat corporate world, you can survive with honesty and passion, stand me in good stead… I don’t know …time will tell…

As of now, I am missing the coffee smell ….and the fact, that out there, within the glassed walls and working cubicles it is possible to find happiness and satisfaction not only professionally but also personally ....that managers like YOU exist !

PS: :)
Since you cannot, by any means, appraise me, revise my salary or promote me now, i am free to express what i felt so deeply but could not express in so many words for fear of being taken otherwise :)

One choice.

One choice.
That’s all it takes.

When I was young I thot nothing could go wrong

But as I grew older I started understanding that, in ignorance and in innocence, some choices made can cost you heavily, and you keep paying the EMI for them in life, thru out your living

Not all the choices made by heart/instinct ends well

Sometimes our conditioning to see world in good light convinces of goodness that does not exist actually. The philosophy that what you give comes back to you is redundant in my diary. It makes no sense to me at all.

What happens when a ray passes thru a glass? – a white transparent glass and a blue glass……there are two end products – same ray in form of white and blue in two separate given variables. What come out are the color of glass not the quality / entity/reality of ray that passed thru it. It is colored by the elements thru which it passes. If it is passed thru solid it might not pass thru at all!

So is the human life and giving. We might give with purity but what comes out as end product is colored by the elements we have given this to, so when you surrender with pure emotion it might be construed as weakness, when you care it might be seen as anxiety, when you want to preserve a thing about you it can be interpreted as self-centredness and so on. It is true in any relationship equation – with strangers, with friends, with family ….. with anybody

It is a cumbersome matrix of choices because you are not living “solo”. It is intertwined with a lot of other choices of entities in your life

It is important we think and we really think before making a choice – goodness, karma, and nothing-can-go-wrong attitude is all fine if the end result is the assumed END. But it might not be so always… the maturity to know that there are other innumerable possibilities of end is important – especially if the choice made is for the lifetime and living

You left.....

Note :  -i dont intend to have any comments on this post...only the prayers...forgive my rudeness..for i have no love to share today ....i cant give you what i dont have..

So you left...
how was it Abha...
on 4th of may ... what did you go thru to end your journey....
did you try talking to anybody?
you were so soft spoken, so courteous
did i ever tell you ..though you were younger to me i looked up to you
for your warmth and honesty

then what happened
was the existence so painful that you chose to quit
did it hurt baby
were you lonely sweetheart...very lonely.....very....
did you regret it even for a second
did you think of any of us ?

you were a courageous girl
things would have gone out of hand i am sure

where are you now
did you see HIM
did you question HIM
why all this at such a young age?

are you free now
from pain and questions

did you feel unloved........Abha........did you feel unloved when you treaded towards the end

i am sorry
we all are sorry
for not being able to make to your helplist
guess we were not able to convince you

i am sorry

which color am i ?

when i was born
i was a white
pure, serene, spiritual white

then came the layer of blue
unconditional love , blue

it was streaked by green at some places
jealous, envious, competitive green

i turned my search to one
and put a layer of mauve

strokes of red in happiness and grey in sadness followed

slowly...gradually....the hue is turning black
soot of experiences and baggages
anger, frustration, losing battles, battered dreams, crushed hopes
covering all the other layers
rendering them meaningless....

my canvas is soot black
i dont know where to begin
how to clean
how to go to white

which painting to make ?

Pray for them..and all those who need our prayers...

I am reposting an article for somebody who has requested the same on her blog...

Pray for them

http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/2010/05/help.html

"Imagine This Being Your Home where you sleep, where your kids toys are, your life...." ..this is what she wrote....

the game of "8" :)

i was tagged by my blogger friend Julie http://umengine3.blogspot.com/for this game

The rules are simple

1) Go to your photo files, select the 8Th photo folder.
2) Select the 8Th photo in that folder.
3) Post that photo along with the story behind it
4) Then ask 8 blogging friends to do the same

so here i am doing my bit to make sure the game goes on :)

the story behind the shot...

This was a shot taken at Nandi Hills. It was 6 am in the morning and we had travelled all the way from Bangalore to Nandi Hills for a Sunrise Treat :)  ... Unfortunately we were not able to capture the sunrise because it rained!!! the sun was behind the cloud....but something very amazing happened in that moment... each shot that i have taken from my simple sony 6 megapix camera came out wonderful...i even got an award for one of those shots in my office!!!

Moral of the story...God plans the beauty even if you think it is a waste of an effort :)

i am tagging only few friends since i do not have a big network but i request the tagged friends to follow the rule of "8"

so here goes the list ( am not repeating friends who are already tagged for this game ..e.g. warrior girl :) ) ..am not tagging Honey Kreg...for i dont want to disturb her as of now...

http://ladydavid.blogspot.com/
http://richa-someday.blogspot.com/
http://myhappinessandsentiments-lolit.blogspot.com/
http://velvetoversteel.blogspot.com/

YOU...My Love...

this is dedicated to somebody..who has given birth to me ..she will never ever read it and i will never be able to let her know, in so many words, what she means to me ..

but by putting my feelings in the form of words i have made one thing SURE...the message has been sent to the universe and it will never be destroyed till life exists...for you cannot destroy energy..in doing this i have in my own humble manner ..made my mother immortal...eternal...



YOU ....no page 3 material..
you dont have diamonds in your neck
you are not too much into finesses of life..
no music, no good food, no wine...no dine...nothing...

you dont walk in beauty
and dont compare to moon (for me YES ..)

you have no opinions on bigger issues..
and you dont care ..

you are shy ..you are introvert
you have no savings
no education
no languages known
no books read
no world travelled...

nothing... NO THING....

but this umblicial cord
which binds my heart to yours
tells me

you ...the most educated
for you taught me LIFE and LIVING
you ...the most well dressed
for i love the cotton wrapping your body which gave life to me
that bindi on your head..
and the kajal in your eyes...
oh so hot..and so trendy....
as if you carry the universe inside you...
you most travelled..most fine....most read...
for you always knew things in advance..
and they would be true ...

who cares about books read..and world travelled....


the only thing you ever knew was to love me
protect me fiercely
as a lioness

oh my darling...oh my MOTHER...
you reside here
in the depth of my soul
amongst the arteries, blood and muscles of heart...
you beat...in the form of that intangible sense of security
i cant touch with hand...

oh ...with you ...
ends my quest
of ONE
for i know
how it would be
when i see you
raw...rude...rustic....crude....PURE...and...SUBLIME.....

YOU are the MOST profound experience i have had...
you ....my advancement in leaps and bounds in spirituality
you my discovery of ONE
you my life-giver
my liberation
my soul-satisfaction
my beginning...my end.....
you....my mother...

i am so proud of you....!!

the damp mansion and the crystal memories...

the wind is strong
and it threatens to force open the door
of the hidden mansion inside me...
....the furnitureless calm mansion
there are some old crystal emotions
kept in corners
protected, saved and beyond the reach of my own self
for if it opens
the rays of it will blind my eyes
break my heart
whip my soul....
to know those crystals are no more mine
they are in the 'past'
and hankering for them in 'now'
will only blind my eyes
burn my soul
and break my heart....

long long back
i had dusted the mansion
and kept the crystals on the racks
locked the doors
and walked out in the forest outside
knowing
i will never come back

but sometimes
the wind is so strong
and the smell of mansion so near
that i see the forest
and i raise my hand to open the door ....
in the vacuum

Bruce Almighty- interpretation of an 8-yr-old...

Note: this is a write up ONLY to express what my 8 yr old mind interpreted of this movie in the body of a 34 yr old woman. Film making has always interested me and when i watch a movie it is more than the script that my mind and eyes capture. i ,very pleasantly, realised that what i go thru internally can be posted on my blog..simply sending the message to the big void out there ..not caring if somebody reads or does not..the idea is to put the dialogue inside my head into words!! and the feeling is great....because most of the time the laptop monitor does not bounce back and give me a stare which says..you crazy? i mean it was a plain movie...how come you saw it in so much of detail... my god it was just a drama!!! get over it!!

my take on any movie is a take by an 8 yr old which seriously needs to be ignored and forgotten :) please do not take any of my inputs as anything which will make sense in real world .. :) it is an interpretation of my world and might not be in sync with yours :)

And the rambling begins...

well, to begin with .... the concept and the idea of being a god for one day was magical..wow...i am sure he must have entered the script writer's mind one day to produce this whole concept !!!

Morgan Freeman...is so close to the KIND and SOFT eyes i associate GOD with ....the whiteness of the environment..the silence in his demeanour..the love in his eyes...ohhh.... how i felt like running to him and hugging him ...always knowing ..... Aham Brahmasmi....I am the GOD!! but its nice to see a concept in a concrete form

well the god in the form of a cleaner...awesome.... there are two things here - GOD is all ..the millionaire and the humble...and every level is GOD..the cleaner and the not-cleaner section :) beautiful.....GOD is humble...he does not care if he is not in a merc...somewhere it also reinforces something we tend to forget - the honor of manual work :)

he does not interfere with the free will  - so you cannot make people love you...oh the desire to make grace love him..jim carrey carried this scene so beautifully...he had the power of god...but not the power to break a free-will ....nah...with all his power the desperate need in his body language was sad ..tho very funny on the face of it...

wow...what if we really had access to the prayers thrown in universe...cool...loved it.... i mean, wow...having a message in your inbox.....oh...what a lovely feeling....

the scene where he reads the prayer and knows that he has to free her..the conflict of wanting and releasing ...i guess Mr. Carrey is gifted....when he walks in the rain...all alone..desolate on a "deserted" road (implying his loneliness) and the rain (implying his sadness) ...the pain in his chest finds the manifestation in his body...literally stumbling ...i think that scene has been captured with its immense pain and beauty in an awesome manner...and jim carrey is awesome ...

where does he get this energy from..his salsa with the camera...awesome....the cuts in his acts are so pure..aah...beauty...sheer beauty...a treat to mind

bruce's interaction with god... how amazing..instead of fear ...it is friendship...beautiful chemistry .... white and child-like

coding of universe..message sent to us by the universe in the mundane things we refuse to acknowledge.... how beautifully captured..once upon a time i was endowed with this power :) i could see lot of messages :) and most of them were right!!! bingo!! but with age and corruption of soul...with weak soul-sight i am losing it....hmm...let me see if i can capture it back...suddenly this movie reminded me of something i had forgotten..cool..so today on i start practising this trick which worked so well when i was a child

A B(be) Positive - be positive (just an example shown in the movie)


the free will, the need to be dependent on the power of ONE, when we are the power, the miracle that is US...all of this has been a concept which i came face to face very early in my life - thanks to the Conversation with GOD series (Neale Donald Walsch).... and Bhagwat Gita...nothing was new .... it was all very well and very neatly captured in MATRIX...yet...you dont get bored of interpretation of same thing in different forms :)

it was  certainly a treat to the soul.....

dead...

have you ever lived a time when your body is functioning well but your soul is dead...you carry a vacuum inside you..and also a lump in your throat with some type of unexplained pain in the muscles of your heart and on the walls of your chest....

well, thats exactly what i am going thru now...

my baby is gone for SEVEN days...i have not lived without her even a SINGLE day since she graced my life..i have been crying in spurts...with no reason...it hurts when she is not around..it hurts when house is so perfect and i am not screaming my lungs off because she has stained the lounger....i detest this perfection..the freedom to go out anytime ...the freedom to not boil her bottles, fill her milk for night...the uninterrupted cooking...

ohhh...how i miss her.......what happens when she is grown and gone..... god save me

come  back soon lest i die of breathing problems...

My Sister's poem for my father - ONE MAN WHO IS OUR GOD

This is a work by my little sister Dolly. She in copywriting profession and this is one of her hw/draftwork/roughwork... whatever...the beauty of this draft ad is the poem.She has managed to capture everything our father did for us ....things we take for granted....ONE MAN...we adore..ONE MAN who inspires us...ONE MAN who has taught us to be soft..honest....real... ONE MAN..i have really failed....ONE MAN i seek forgiveness from...ONE MAN who is my HERO..the wind beneath my wing...my existence...my search for GOD/ONE....ONE MAN where i get my answers to the quests....

glittering swarovski crystal balls and around 80 stars...you belong to me!!

yet again...
i play with the stars
talk to the moon
wait for the sun
and fly with the wind

i walk in the forest
of red and yellow maple leaves
relish the crunch
beneath my sole and soul....

the silent music of crunching
filling me up
from body to soul

i have plucked around 80 stars
and have mixed them with swarovski crystal balls
of dreams and promises
they glitter and shine
in my eyes
light scattered on the mansion in my soul

i laugh
and my soul smiles
i am again the little girl
who talked to stars
and played with the moon...

this universe and the immense beauty
belongs to me!!!