the wandering soul.....

The topic of life after death has always been very close to my heart. I read, found books, borrowed from friends every time I glimpsed this word or thought that probability of finding something new about this contemplation point was higher in those pages – I don’t know if it was past-life memory that I carried within me but as a child when I could not express properly I would ask my father who made stars.. and who made the ONE who made stars? I was drawn to the nature in a more Para-scientific manner .. I used to and till date wonder how petals can be so specifically defined, colored and placed the way they are.. how is it possible that leaf and tree can nourish themselves..i wonder at nature’s arrangement of photosynthesis process and cross pollination leading to growth and maintenance of species, I wonder how perfect blue sky looks with green forest… how do smallest of beings survive.. how is the matrix of our existence so perfect … I have taught my daughter that HE is a perfect artist .. later I will teach her how perfect a SCIENTIST he is :)


I often wondered how could I dance when I actually had no control over my body … it was as if music seeped through my being and I moved… people said I danced well.. I won competitions, they came to see me perform .. .then one day I grew up .. and it died.. .did I lose my past life learning? When I was going through a depressive phase on how I have stopped dancing I stumbled upon Paulo Coehlo’s book whose protagonist found GOD through dance??!!! From thence I read at least 2 books of his, which talked of magic in succession! Why did i venture into magic realm.. very recently i watched movies on magic one after the other wihtout any planning , it just happened .. after the movies and few days ahead when i was casually scanning channels to find something interesting i stumbled upon "Decoding Magic" on AXN! needless to say .. i visited that program more than once because i was hooked...

My journey into the world beyond scientific explanation became more vigorous when I lost my cousin in an accident which should not have happened

I was drawn to Bhagwat Geeta , the mother of all philosophy books. I had heard from well read people that it contained THE truth, which when discovered, took you to another plane as a person/being.

Neale Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God, came to me at that point in time when I desperately needed an answer for something I was going through. It was a new experience and I was young. I had lost somebody I had shared my life with. She was close to me and despite our differences I loved her. What jolted my impressionable mind was the paradox – I could see her denims, her lipsticks, her stuff but not HER. Didn’t they say soul lasted forever and every earthly thing was transient! How was it possible when her denims existed and she did not? I was scared I would see her when I was alone and I felt tremendously guilty about the fact that I was scared of her spirit form. Didn’t we eat in the same plate the other day? Wasn’t she the one who gave extra rupees to the rickshaw bhaiya just because he was old! She was kind. She would never hurt me but I was scared! I tried my best to connect with her by focusing my energies on her thoughts. I thought, like movies, I would stumble upon her photograph in the book, or something from somewhere will fall near me and I would know it was her message to me. I kept repeating her voice in my head, the last time when she had called me, 10 days prior to the accident. The last time when I had seen her, I had left her sleeping on the bed, and she had lazily asked me if I was leaving for my hostel and I had said yes. Her face, the bed, my movement away from the bed, the room, the flat, kept coming back to my mind. What if I would have stayed back the day incident took place? What if I would have talked to her in detail on the phone the day she called me to wish me happy birthday – her last call, I had sensed the depression in her .. .what if I had tried and made it to the apartment that weekend instead of staying back in my room with my friends and preparing for my exams… what if.. what if.. what if…

She never appeared in my dreams, though she did in my sister’s – she was sad and silent and had walked into the forest

Since I had nobody to talk to, I started reading on what happens once we are not in this physical form. Dr. Brian Weiss happened to me then. They say when you seek an answer universe conspires to grant you the same. His book – Many lives, Many masters was kept in my hostel room. It belonged to my friend’s cousin. I asked her if it was ok for me to read the book. Each page from thereon was a revelation. I could not believe the coincidence of reading precisely what I was looking for.

Dr. Brian Weiss, from Miami, is into regression therapy. He is a psychiatrist who stumbled upon the wealth of past life by accident! Here is the verbatim introduction of his book – Many Masters, Many lives from the introduction page of his book ONLY LOVE IS REAL -

“Dr. Brian Weiss had been working with Catherine, a young patient, for 18 months. When his traditional methods of therapy failed, he turned to hypnosis. As a traditional psychotherapist, Dr. Weiss was skeptical and astonished when Catherine began to recall past-life traumas that seemed to hold the key to her recurring problems”.

In his book, ONLY LOVE IS REAL, he has mentioned an incident where during his guided meditation amidst one of his group conferences a forensic psychiatrist experienced something rare. Mentally he perceived a shadowy presence of a young woman who asked him to announce to the group that “Natasha is well”. Given the fact that such names are rare in that part of the country he was little taken aback but he did the needful. In that crowd was a woman. Her daughter had died tragically in her twenties only 6months ago. Her daughter’s name was Ana Natalia. ONLY her mother called her NATASHA!

I have suffered from lot of anxieties and insecurities since childhood – car crash is one of them. Till date I am rarely able to enjoy car drives due to this fear. Losing my dear ones is a chronic anxiety I suffer from. Was I separated from them in one of my lifetimes? In my younger days I never could commit myself to a relationship for fear of abandonment, I had always seen a flash, a very blurred one, where I am standing in a room, a big one, all alone, it is a furniture-less house, as if WE have just moved into it, and there is a man who has just gone out.. Left me and gone… and I am going through this sense of hopelessness…I have had flashes of a kind face.. a gentle blue eyes… but it can be a deep influence of my liking for Jesus.. and his serenity

I have always , and firmly, believed that I was a French in one of my lifetimes. I somehow see a black cobalt lane – it can be an influence of watching too much of travel and living though :)

I have somehow loved my country so deeply that I feel it was a gift of choice to be born an Indian. No “third world” topic deters me from my pleasure of being an Indian. It is as if I still remember my soul state and everything about this country is ..so inspiring… it is as if I see it from outside and I feel blessed to have acquired body to spend time in this land of beautiful weather, color, happiness, dreams, relationships … it is as if .. i was an outsider and stayed back here because i fell in love with this country !

Why do abusive men happen to you? Why do things, you never anticipated will happen, actually happens to you? Why your fears appear as realities in-front of your eyes? are they premonitions? or you actually attract them to you ? are they past-life baggage and you need to clean up your act to start afresh ? questions and more questions ….

Such experiences have always pushed me to look for answers I cannot discuss scientifically.. it is like air.. it is there.. only the presence is felt… though you can prove its presence by passing bubbles through water but not its visibility… I don’t know how to express this further

Why do I jot this?

Because I am going through one of those phases where I go to my little library and dust the old books and pick up one of them… for I feel restless inside and I need answers.... this time I picked up Dr. Weiss and it stirred lot of thoughts I had not put in words for long…

Why was I propelled to read what I have been reading for past few days? Why is it a compulsive feeling to jot this down today? Is this a message to somebody ? I don’t know .. so I surrender my thoughts to this void, where lies all the questions and answers beyond our under-used minds…