Goa....aaah!!!

Pencil Strokes !

A Man's ode to Fidelity... :) ...

listen sweetheart..

feel the warmth of my hand in yours
and look into my eyes
you will see your soul lingering in mine

the promises i made ..i remember well
the dreams we dreamt together still tugs my heart
i am still your woodcutter
and i still find time to lie down beside you
under the sky
on a sunflower bed...
you give me the warmth i hanker for

how can you fail...
when you and i are ONE
one soul split into two
there is nothing that you go through and i don't...

you run in my blood
you linger in my mind
you live in my heart
and play in my soul...

you bore my kid in your womb
and you loved me with your heart...
there is no beauty that compares to you
36-24-36 does not matter...
because you are not a measurement....

An ode to Fidelity... :)

Hey!!

so what if i bore you a kid
and ironed your shirts
made sure your food was ready on time
and the house was kept beautiful and warm
when you came back from work

so what if i waited for you every evening
and i changed things around me to make sure
you had a complete life..

so what if i prayed to god..
he gave you my life and happiness..
that you lived life full..

in doing all this
i had forgotten
that there was a change in the equation
not only my 36-24-36 has changed
but also my "me"

and so ..
when i waited for you
and prayed for you
and loved you...

you were little busy
admiring beauties
and remembering old love
following the 36-24-36

which i dont have now
and never will have....

my woodcutter does not come back to home
longing for me
and we do not lie under the sky
on sunflower bed
vowing to be with each other
in all lifetimes

because..i lacked something which rules the hormones...
i tried winning you with heart...
and i failed
miserably...

The mansion inside me....

i carry an old mansion inside me
furnitureless
open and big
old...

there is a forest outside it
i take a walk on its crunching leaves
in calm afternoons
and put my soul to sleep under the sky
breeze caressing it innocently...

i read, dance, play, talk to clouds and create...

the silence and the peace makes me cry out of happiness

then...suddely there is a knock on the door
and i come out
on the roads and in this concrete world
lonely
helpless, eccentric, crazy...

dying to go back to my old mansion
thirsting for the silence of afternoons
and the sound of crunching leaves...

i wait
for the call of the mansion..and the silence of the forest

Pencil Strokes !

The Santa of my Family ...!!!!

He is the santa of our family,
whole year round..not only in december..

he comes with surprise gifts
and hugs and laughter
his kindness
is packaged
not in glossy sheets
and he does not use the socks
to hide the gifts

my santa....

he has a gift for everyone
and he remembers to give us surprises
and make our evenings and days
without any occassion
without any snow around us

my santa...

he gives
but never receives...
and he goes to the bed
with a smile on his soul

knowing we do not have to wait for the christmas
for arrival of the santa...

PS: Thanks for being a wonderful father and a husband darling..

Pondicherry ..... what a beauty!!!!!!!!!!! Aafreen!!!

do not want to delve into words...let the pictures talk...if there is a perfect balance of peace, tranquility, modernisation, relaxation...it is here..here...here...

Once upon a time ..there was a king and there was a queen....

he was the king of pop
but he died lonely in his mansion

he ruled the heart of millions
and his heart cheated on him ....
he died of heart attack

he lived his life king size
and he died with debt

he walked the moon
but was lonely on his bed...

he sang to the world
and danced for them
he was the king
who died in his kingdom
lonely and songless...

she was the most beautiful woman on earth
shy, coy, timid, rigid, strong, sought after

a fairy from a fairytale..

she ruled the heart of millions
but hankered for true love in life
her heart cheated on her
and she died when her heart moved from left to right in a car accident..

in Paris...
the city of love...

once upon a time

there was a king

and there was a queen...

Oil on canvas...my latest

I am the Equinox.. DO NOT DEFINE ME PLEASE!

i am 12 hrs night
and 12 hrs day
equal
i am the equinox

i am the black

and i am the white

a perfect blend for grey

i am the question

i am the answer

the quest and the destination of the search

i am the winner

i am the loser

the humble and the arrogant

i am equal in length
intensity
breadth
balance
justice
sun spread
soaring wind
green trees
wide desert
i am 12 hrs night
i am 12 hrs day
i am an equal stretch
i am the  equinox

DO NOT TRY TO DEFINE ME...

The road is dark and dusky ....

the road is long
and i dont see an end
it is cloudy
and afternoon seems like a night
no sun
heavy wind
i hold the kid in my hand
and walk all alone on this deserted road
waiting for you darling
i know you will come
and hold my hand
and listen to me
and sit with me

i know i will find the way
the road will not be lonely for long
the sun will shine
and once again

we will be a happy family...

List of Coincidences ... the intensity and length of my search...

was it a coincidence that i read ..

a thousand splendid suns and witch of portobello together?

one talking of Mariam... all the potential of a strong woman..but dies a weak death...lives a weak life..absolutely non-consequential (i dont give her credit for being strong in hacking her husband...) ..how much i loved her..how much hopes i had from her..how much i wanted jalil to be strong and own his daughter..how much..how much.. but alas....

the other one talks of athena..she is strong, has everything in life and puts them at stake for the sake of her find ..her search..her search for nothingness (in my terms) leads her to a point all our parents dread ... and then she is saved...she, with a 5-yr old in her arms, she parentsless like Mariam .. and yet... strong...yes, i  understand ..unlike Athena..Mariam was not blessed with foster parents ..they both left a strong impression on my mind..and i kept thinking of them .. why is it that i met two diverse characters at one go... will wait for the answer...

was it a coincidence that -

Athena finds "the power"/"mother" through her dance... and i have had privilege of touching "ONE" during my dances .. when i was a kid .. i would dance all alone, without knowing the song...without any practise i would give stage performance and would win applause and prizes!!!! i was gifted or possesed? was it a past life accumulation ... is it that since i have lost touch with that gift i have hit the pit in my life (i rarely dance now....sad..) was athena and her search thru dance, a message for me thru universe?! did the book happen to me because i am looking for an anchoring in this point in time of my life? and the songs that i have started listening to (prior to the discussion of this form of dance by the author) ....were all sufi numbers!!!!

is it a coincidence that -

i have started reading Brida - woman in search of nothingness (in book  some sort of occult science) ...she wants to learn magic..and  ..hold your breath....the tarrot card that i got for this week is that of a magician!! ..it symbolises some kind of search!!! (thats what this online tarrot i subscribe to tell me !!!) - ??? is it a message again or i am insane in paying too much importance to such silly coincidences...when i went to library to pick a book i had this great inner urge to read something on life after death, or something which was outside our conscious rationale..

is it a coincidence -

that in past three months i dreamt of plane crashing in water (since childhood i have had dreams of fear of plane crash..but not even once my plane has crashed...i have always managed to get out unscratched) ..and within 2-3 days of each dream i have read newspaper headlines on missing and crashing planes (the plane that went missing in france and was later found with no person alive...there was a consecutive second crash somewhere else in the world) ... many crashes happen..but these ones made headlines...and though i miss newspaper readings for many days due to hectic morning schedule...i did not miss on these editions - they were infront of me early morning!!

is it a coincidence -

that i dreamt about my CEOs death and within 15 days i got a news of first death in our office.. a young colleague of mine met with an accident and passed away ...........this was when i was no more with the same organisation and was holidaying outside India...

what was that which pushed me so hard to produce oil paints (i have displayed them on my blog) when till date i am not sure of how do i hold the brush properly??!!

is this a coincidence that somethings like dream, dance and choice of books which are so private are finding their way to the public blog? why is this urge to share what i am going thru so strong...?? ... will i stumble upon somebody by coincidence who be my master or guide in some manner ??? dont know...let the time talk to me :)

aah..long series of dialogues and questions...plaguing my psyche...

answer to my quest for ONE...

....My Universe....

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai :)

Who are you..my magician painter? what kind of oil paint do you use?

do you paint on sky canvas..

holding the brush of wind

travelling on the cloud..

with a serenity in your eyes..

are plateaus your palette?

do you rinse your brush in ocean?

how can green and blue be so perfect on a peacock?

how can purple flower be so precise?

are you a scientist too ?

why is everything so perfect?

where did the idea of blue ocean and green tree come from?

why are barks brown and not red?

how do you make stars sparkle and moon so serene?

why is sun yellow and not mauve?

why is the forest so...

are you a magician and a painter?

what kind of color do you use

where do you get them from ...

who are you?

talk to me ....

When ONE spoke thru lens...

The celestial Salsa..an ode to our love

Oh my darling...
though we have a physical limitation
and our thoughts are fragmented at times
though we are bridled with worldly fractures
and sometimes it seems impossible...

when you hold my hand in crowd
and talk to me without words
when you dedicate songs
and get up nights to feed our baby
when you remember my little moods
when you love me so soul-ly
the white love with its blue-cool envelopes our entity

i feel as if i am holding your hand for so many lifetimes..
i feel like our essence does a celestial salsa in the eternity
we float on the cloud
with the rythm of wind
catching the stars
and talking to the moon...

oh ..darling...

so definitionless...
so boundarylesss...
so full of soul...
so un-said
so felt....

this ever ending celestial salsa..
to be continued ...
in all the lifetimes to come...
till we become

one...

Oh My Darling...Thanks for giving birth to us!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LIFE.......

the Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me .....FLYING HIGH IN THE SKY..IN SEARCH OF NOTHINGNESS..

at this point in time ..with no job in hand ( i have really worked hard for past seven years..but recession got better of me :))....and lot of question marks for future...the journey is becoming turbulent and shaky.... will my plane dive without a trace...or i will pass ....who am i? i found a hint of answer..here..

"Seagulls, as you know, never falter, never stall. To stall in the air is for them disgrace and dishonor.

But Jonathan Livingston Seagull (me), unashamed, stretching his wings again in that trembling hard curve - slowing, slowing, and stalling once more - was no ordinary bird.......

For most gulls it is not flying that matters, but eating. For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL LOVED TO FLY."

will i stop the love for flight and revert to eating .. financial crisis is a big deal... time will tell..

meanwhile, here is what i have done - broken my rules and used my husband's money to learn aerobics and  guitar, have been into sketiching again ... and oil paints have been resumed ...

the search continues...thanks for being my friend in this journey...

Thanks Darling....A note to my Soul mate...

you loved me in a very human manner
and yet, your love was deeper than others

you knew my pain
you shared my joy
you took my responsibility when i was no value add
you were still attracted to me when i lost my shape
you convinced me when i doubted
you became my father when i did not earn
my brother when i needed your shoulders
my friend when you knew without talking

when i lost my job
you gifted me sketch books
when i lost my confidence
you showed the pride in your eyes...
when i lost myself in bitter fights

you called me back ..

did i ever tell you ...
how much you meant to me...

how much you mean to me ...

you loved me very humanly..
and yet you loved me so much more than others..

thank you...

Can we meet please?

what is the shape of honesty?
is it brutal like stone?
or soft like cloud?
is it delicate like porcelian?
or transparent like crystal?
does it have a shape or form?

where does it reside?

in the innocent smile of a child?
or in the eyes of the soul?

can we touch it?
can we feel it?
can we meet it?
can we look into its eyes?
can we invite it to our house?
can we extend friendship to it?
can we have lunch together?
can we share the silence?

which form does it come in?

in the form of GOD in our mind?
in the form of life in our breath?
in the form of silence in our soul?
in the form of grit in our passion?

where can i touch it?
where can i feel it?

How can i invite it to dinner tonight?

Multiple Personalities

First,
there was ONE

then we broke it into..

i am good - you are bad
i am right - you are wrong
i am white - you are black
i am rich - you are poor
i am educated - you are illiterate
i know - you Do Not
i have passed - you have failed
i exist - you Do Not

to begin with
there was only ONE

then...
we broke it down