I am the Equinox.. DO NOT DEFINE ME PLEASE!

i am 12 hrs night
and 12 hrs day
equal
i am the equinox

i am the black

and i am the white

a perfect blend for grey

i am the question

i am the answer

the quest and the destination of the search

i am the winner

i am the loser

the humble and the arrogant

i am equal in length
intensity
breadth
balance
justice
sun spread
soaring wind
green trees
wide desert
i am 12 hrs night
i am 12 hrs day
i am an equal stretch
i am the  equinox

DO NOT TRY TO DEFINE ME...

The road is dark and dusky ....

the road is long
and i dont see an end
it is cloudy
and afternoon seems like a night
no sun
heavy wind
i hold the kid in my hand
and walk all alone on this deserted road
waiting for you darling
i know you will come
and hold my hand
and listen to me
and sit with me

i know i will find the way
the road will not be lonely for long
the sun will shine
and once again

we will be a happy family...

List of Coincidences ... the intensity and length of my search...

was it a coincidence that i read ..

a thousand splendid suns and witch of portobello together?

one talking of Mariam... all the potential of a strong woman..but dies a weak death...lives a weak life..absolutely non-consequential (i dont give her credit for being strong in hacking her husband...) ..how much i loved her..how much hopes i had from her..how much i wanted jalil to be strong and own his daughter..how much..how much.. but alas....

the other one talks of athena..she is strong, has everything in life and puts them at stake for the sake of her find ..her search..her search for nothingness (in my terms) leads her to a point all our parents dread ... and then she is saved...she, with a 5-yr old in her arms, she parentsless like Mariam .. and yet... strong...yes, i  understand ..unlike Athena..Mariam was not blessed with foster parents ..they both left a strong impression on my mind..and i kept thinking of them .. why is it that i met two diverse characters at one go... will wait for the answer...

was it a coincidence that -

Athena finds "the power"/"mother" through her dance... and i have had privilege of touching "ONE" during my dances .. when i was a kid .. i would dance all alone, without knowing the song...without any practise i would give stage performance and would win applause and prizes!!!! i was gifted or possesed? was it a past life accumulation ... is it that since i have lost touch with that gift i have hit the pit in my life (i rarely dance now....sad..) was athena and her search thru dance, a message for me thru universe?! did the book happen to me because i am looking for an anchoring in this point in time of my life? and the songs that i have started listening to (prior to the discussion of this form of dance by the author) ....were all sufi numbers!!!!

is it a coincidence that -

i have started reading Brida - woman in search of nothingness (in book  some sort of occult science) ...she wants to learn magic..and  ..hold your breath....the tarrot card that i got for this week is that of a magician!! ..it symbolises some kind of search!!! (thats what this online tarrot i subscribe to tell me !!!) - ??? is it a message again or i am insane in paying too much importance to such silly coincidences...when i went to library to pick a book i had this great inner urge to read something on life after death, or something which was outside our conscious rationale..

is it a coincidence -

that in past three months i dreamt of plane crashing in water (since childhood i have had dreams of fear of plane crash..but not even once my plane has crashed...i have always managed to get out unscratched) ..and within 2-3 days of each dream i have read newspaper headlines on missing and crashing planes (the plane that went missing in france and was later found with no person alive...there was a consecutive second crash somewhere else in the world) ... many crashes happen..but these ones made headlines...and though i miss newspaper readings for many days due to hectic morning schedule...i did not miss on these editions - they were infront of me early morning!!

is it a coincidence -

that i dreamt about my CEOs death and within 15 days i got a news of first death in our office.. a young colleague of mine met with an accident and passed away ...........this was when i was no more with the same organisation and was holidaying outside India...

what was that which pushed me so hard to produce oil paints (i have displayed them on my blog) when till date i am not sure of how do i hold the brush properly??!!

is this a coincidence that somethings like dream, dance and choice of books which are so private are finding their way to the public blog? why is this urge to share what i am going thru so strong...?? ... will i stumble upon somebody by coincidence who be my master or guide in some manner ??? dont know...let the time talk to me :)

aah..long series of dialogues and questions...plaguing my psyche...

answer to my quest for ONE...

....My Universe....

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai :)

Who are you..my magician painter? what kind of oil paint do you use?

do you paint on sky canvas..

holding the brush of wind

travelling on the cloud..

with a serenity in your eyes..

are plateaus your palette?

do you rinse your brush in ocean?

how can green and blue be so perfect on a peacock?

how can purple flower be so precise?

are you a scientist too ?

why is everything so perfect?

where did the idea of blue ocean and green tree come from?

why are barks brown and not red?

how do you make stars sparkle and moon so serene?

why is sun yellow and not mauve?

why is the forest so...

are you a magician and a painter?

what kind of color do you use

where do you get them from ...

who are you?

talk to me ....

When ONE spoke thru lens...

The celestial Salsa..an ode to our love

Oh my darling...
though we have a physical limitation
and our thoughts are fragmented at times
though we are bridled with worldly fractures
and sometimes it seems impossible...

when you hold my hand in crowd
and talk to me without words
when you dedicate songs
and get up nights to feed our baby
when you remember my little moods
when you love me so soul-ly
the white love with its blue-cool envelopes our entity

i feel as if i am holding your hand for so many lifetimes..
i feel like our essence does a celestial salsa in the eternity
we float on the cloud
with the rythm of wind
catching the stars
and talking to the moon...

oh ..darling...

so definitionless...
so boundarylesss...
so full of soul...
so un-said
so felt....

this ever ending celestial salsa..
to be continued ...
in all the lifetimes to come...
till we become

one...

Oh My Darling...Thanks for giving birth to us!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LIFE.......

the Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me .....FLYING HIGH IN THE SKY..IN SEARCH OF NOTHINGNESS..

at this point in time ..with no job in hand ( i have really worked hard for past seven years..but recession got better of me :))....and lot of question marks for future...the journey is becoming turbulent and shaky.... will my plane dive without a trace...or i will pass ....who am i? i found a hint of answer..here..

"Seagulls, as you know, never falter, never stall. To stall in the air is for them disgrace and dishonor.

But Jonathan Livingston Seagull (me), unashamed, stretching his wings again in that trembling hard curve - slowing, slowing, and stalling once more - was no ordinary bird.......

For most gulls it is not flying that matters, but eating. For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL LOVED TO FLY."

will i stop the love for flight and revert to eating .. financial crisis is a big deal... time will tell..

meanwhile, here is what i have done - broken my rules and used my husband's money to learn aerobics and  guitar, have been into sketiching again ... and oil paints have been resumed ...

the search continues...thanks for being my friend in this journey...

Thanks Darling....A note to my Soul mate...

you loved me in a very human manner
and yet, your love was deeper than others

you knew my pain
you shared my joy
you took my responsibility when i was no value add
you were still attracted to me when i lost my shape
you convinced me when i doubted
you became my father when i did not earn
my brother when i needed your shoulders
my friend when you knew without talking

when i lost my job
you gifted me sketch books
when i lost my confidence
you showed the pride in your eyes...
when i lost myself in bitter fights

you called me back ..

did i ever tell you ...
how much you meant to me...

how much you mean to me ...

you loved me very humanly..
and yet you loved me so much more than others..

thank you...

Can we meet please?

what is the shape of honesty?
is it brutal like stone?
or soft like cloud?
is it delicate like porcelian?
or transparent like crystal?
does it have a shape or form?

where does it reside?

in the innocent smile of a child?
or in the eyes of the soul?

can we touch it?
can we feel it?
can we meet it?
can we look into its eyes?
can we invite it to our house?
can we extend friendship to it?
can we have lunch together?
can we share the silence?

which form does it come in?

in the form of GOD in our mind?
in the form of life in our breath?
in the form of silence in our soul?
in the form of grit in our passion?

where can i touch it?
where can i feel it?

How can i invite it to dinner tonight?

Multiple Personalities

First,
there was ONE

then we broke it into..

i am good - you are bad
i am right - you are wrong
i am white - you are black
i am rich - you are poor
i am educated - you are illiterate
i know - you Do Not
i have passed - you have failed
i exist - you Do Not

to begin with
there was only ONE

then...
we broke it down

Shot to fame!!!

i lingered in this house...
caged in my loneliness..
trying to find life.

then, one day
i found death

suddenly...
i became famous
my photographs were printed
people were called
attendance was counted

i was the hero
in everybody's topic

i wish
i had found this fame

when i was alive....
when i lingered in this house...
caged in my loneliness
trying to find life
till...
i found death.

Cancerous death ....

she has developed cancer
the love in the heart
she is dying
slowly and gradually
with immense pain
with every chemotherapy she revives
she makes a promise
to angels ..that she will live
but then
the hair falls
she feels nauseated
and then she gives up

it is a painful death for her
pray to god
she dies soon...

Rendezvous

today,

ihave broomed the floor of my house
and cleaned the broken crystals of past

have put new linens of happiness on bed...
and new curtains of hope on the windows..

i have opened the doors of anticipation
for the cold wind to blow in
and arranged some happy blue and red flowers on the corner desk..

i have cooked some amazing dishes of love and rice
and have laid the table for two

i am best dressed, with twinkling mascara and a touch of smiley lipstick
have opened my boundryless hair
and odorned my neck with the pearls of passion

and am waiting with a breathless heart and excitement
a dancing feet
and soaring spirit...

today,

i have a rendezvous with Future...

Why??

They lived in the same house....

one the lovely, perky one
other the beautiful, silent one

she had the world at her feet
she... waited in the corner for someone to happen to her

she was hot
she... shy

she drove the mind and hormnones
she ...the soul..and heart...

she was red
she... the blue..and the white...

she the fire..
she....the rain...

she the popular one
she...lonesome....

she grew with time
she...faded...

she became immortal
she ..died ...of heart break ...

they both lived in the same house...

she..the lust
she...the love...

Dying Love...

when love dies...
it is a silent sigh..
nobody hears it coming..

there is no obituary
no funeral
no prayers by beloved

it is a lonely death

the most beautiful concept LOVE
dies the most unloved death ...

THE Connection...

she looked at me with her innocent eyes
she caressed me with her innocent fingers
she was upset...her mamma was weeping
she did not know the reason
but she felt uncomfortable
she hugged me
and kissed me
and gave me her best toy

oh...how she was willing to sacrifice
to see me happy

she had repaired my wounded soul
she had unknowingly
taught me the complexity of unconditional love
the purity of connection

for though she is only three
and i thirty three
and she does not have language grasp
and i dont talk much

she knows....

Donna..this is for you ...

so it was time for us to pack ... and leave ...for the most anticipated journey...journey to home....

but i had not expected this twist....a sudden meeting with an angel called Donna... she made me cry... made me feel .. as if i was leaving behind a precious bond..which was formed beyond the boundaries of geography...

she said we meet for a reason.. and i agreed with her 120%...

how would you explain a fact that somebody who had been just a face in the crowd of staff members of the hotel suddenly becomes a page in your life...an experience etched in granite... a meeting of two souls...so unexpected and so precious.

Donna is a grandmother (she does not look like one) and has 6 beautiful children..Donna is a person made of rock spirit ... a woman in whose eyes i saw life...

i wept.. and i was surprised ...what is it that made me cry when Donna said bye...

she wrapped gifts for us...gifts straight from her heart ... gifts i would cherish forever because it came with so much more than just a concept of "parting gift"..

Donna, you are special... and you will always remain a chapter in my life which will never be forgotten..i respect your take on life...salute..

Crystal memories in the transparent glassy cupboard...

There are memories
And there are layers of memories
I wrap each of them
Very carefully and tenderly
In satin and silk emotions
And put them
Neatly
In the glassy transparent cupboard of my psyche
To be protected by my white soul
And to be withdrawn in silent afternoons
Looked at, remembered and cherished
Felt, cried, touched, kissed, cradled
And then placed back ....
With a lingering desire to open them again....
In crisp afternoons..
During starry nights
When the waves of my emotions..
Touch a high..
And i go back to my ...
Glassy transparent cupboard...

I miss you badly.....

Things are great here...
It is a heaven for so many overseas-longing souls...
Life is neat
Roads are angular
Instructions are clear
People are perfumed
Trees feel lot greener
No noise, silence is a virtue they cherish
Anything that a mind can imagine is available..
They have done so well for themselves....
Oh...so perfect..oh..so dream like
So dream like..... that i want to get up...want to be awake
And...
Feel the peace beyond the silence
Smell people beyond the Gucci’s and Armani’s,
Oh..how i miss the broken roads and the jerks and the laughter and the song with that..
How i miss stopping by the road for a cup of tea and pakodas served in dirty plates but beautiful hearts...
I miss the messy rain and the crowded road
I miss being lost on road and happening to a place and people by chance...
Oh... i miss my people ..our little happiness
Our ownership of each other, our togetherness
The thriving and palpitating life beyond all imperfections
The immense satisfaction with so many basic needs pending around the corner of life..
Miss the hope and zest that soon the dreams will be true..
Miss the option of dreaming ..and the excitement of being alive
I miss the sense of belonging...
very soon i will be walking out of the night of cold perfections..
Into the arms of your warm imperfections....my mother...my entity..my country...

I am so glad ...i have a choice....
i am coming home.

Happy Birthday my Little sis..

Dear sis...
My doll..
My angel...my friend..
My mother ....my sister...my confidant..
There is nothing to offer you today
No kisses, no hugs, no gifts, no flowers..
I will package words
And gift you a bouquet of emotions
Of dreams and thoughts unspoken and unshared
I will tell you a story ..
Of a weak kid and a strong one..
Story of how when the weak kid failed and cried..the strong one would hold her hand
And fight the world...
Story of how when the weak kid fell...The strong kid would cry...
When the weak kid won...the strong one would celebrate
When the weak kid gave up...the strong one ...would persist...
When the weak was hungry ...strong would rush from her hostel with pack of noodles..
when weak felt lost..the strong one would spend her pocket money on books and paintings
and gift it to the weak one...
the strong one held weak one’s hand tightly in the crowd..
slowly and gradually...the weak one explored her life and became strong..
and the strong silently stood by her..scripting weak's completion without a word..
without any expectation ..without any return...
oh dear sis...
you became my strength at every step..
my anti-depressant
my inspiration
my ideal
my sky...
i dedicate who i am today to YOU ....
happy birthday dear darling..