My Miss Universe - 2025

check my baby out..i usually don't post her photos for fear of "nazar lag jaayegi" ...i am a pure traditional indian maa...but this one is an exception ...look at my cutie pie... she will freshen up your mind and soul :)...and the poses are her own.... she loves camera...

Auto Wala Bhaiyas Bangalore/Delhi... Thank You!!- Learning on the Roads and in the Lanes...

This post has been long due...it goes back to the time when i was struggling to get an admission in LSR, DU for my Graduation in Psyhcology. With a mere 75% in my 12th i stood no chance to get into the institute which is a dream for any psycho student. so i travelled, for my back up, in scorching JUNE summer of Delhi, from north campus to south campus ..applying in some more colleges..nursing my wounded dreams but absolutely upbeat spirit !!

coming out fresh of hostel walls, 2 yrs in delhi meant null and void to me..i could not tell Daulat Ram from SRCC..i was completely dependent on the auto wala bhaiyas..even to take me to Kamla Nagar from KMC!!!! hee..hee..

It was during one of these trips that i learnt something so precious that till date i cherish it and plan to pass it on to my baby as one of the finest learnings in life..

.....it was sunny, hot and thirsty afternoon..i was travelling past south campus to north campus and my auto wala bhaiya stopped (in the city of crime i was all alone in an auto :)) ..he wanted to have water (i miss that bantha water ...) and i waited ...you PAY for every glass you drink..so i waited little more.....AND THEN he came to me and offered me one glass of water!!!!! i was shocked...who was i to him..a nobody..ours was a conditional relationship...i paid him to do his job...haggled with him for money if required..and here he was paying for me!!..assuming i needed that glass of water...this incident has NEVER..just never left my psyche...concerned friends around me tell him how i have to be careful in this big bad world...but how do i explain the fact that i have seen angels where i expected it not to exist...how....

till date, if i am in auto/rickshaw and i have water or coke ..i first offer it to them..it is my way of saying thanks to that bhaiya ...he taught me to be humane..

this was then...NOW

Bangalore auto community was very different from delhi one...here they have the right to say NO to you if they are reading a newspaper.. :) no matter what your need is ...

but then, something happened...and i discovered a world beneath those fawn clothings :)

i got pregnant...new marriage, new city, new family, new job, new tension (it used to rain a lot in bangalore then) and new pregnancy...aah....words cant express how tensed you can be on road...

then ..they happened to me...those angels i always was lucky enough to find in this cumbersome matrix of money and journey.... i would just request them about going slow and the moment they would realise i was pregnant, certain level of respect and concern would envelop our conditional relationship...they would drive slowly, carefully...real slowly..going around the holes and ditches and the famous bangalore traffic jam ....this journey continued for next two months till we got our own car...and NOT even once ..when i say it ..NOT even ONCE did i come across any autowala bhaiya who did not drive me carefully to my office and then back to home..(except one incident) and even today when i look back...i am so thankful to all of them ...

then there have been sweet incidents like one bhaiya would wait near office around 6 pm to make sure i was his pick and without even saying a word he would drop me home and charge me one stable price...there were no discussions, no haggling, if he was around it was understood by other bhaiyas that i was his traveller :)

once i was haggling for 10 rs with an aged auto wala bhaiya and in that process i told him i was poor and 10 rs extra is not fair...he stopped me immediately..with loads of affection he told me ...according to indian belief system ...saraswati ..the goddess of learning ...sits on our tongue at least once a day..so if i wanted i could take all my money back ..but NEVER use such a negative statement..needless to say he went ahead and blessed me with loads of good luck and wealth :)

now that i go to attend interviews ...there have been at least three incidents where auto wala bhaiyas wait for me to get down and wish me luck (and i see it in their eyes..it comes direct from heart) and bless me for the new job,..they are so convinced that i get the courage to go on ....

in one such incident, i was running late for an interview and being an HR i believe not reaching for interview on exact time is blasphemous..i told bhaiya how i was running late....he drove ..and he drove real fast and then when he realised his old auto was not able to keep time ..he stopped called another auto wala bhaiya and told him urgently and earnestly that i was running late for interview and that he shd take me to the destination on time ...since this angel was an old one i guess the younger new one took it seriously and drove me with full speed to the interview destination ...

in one incident...auto broke down while coming back from office..near marthahalli bridge...it was a bad rain..and this bhiaya kept trying to revive his auto..i told him to take it easy..he was drenched and tensed to be stranded...he stopped another auto..put me into it ..and hold your breath...refused to take money from me !!!! now ...how do i explain something this sublime...what i have heard of world is money matters..and here i see one AUTO WALA BHAIYA who refuses to take money for the already travelled distance of prestige tech park to the bridge...

once there was a bhaiya who was an MA.. who would go to court in the evenings, and to the airport and then in his spare time he would ride an auto..he had lost his job with some engineering company he was working with .......and he did not charge me a penny more ..he was awesome..

and there have been bhaiyas with lights and music in their autos..and i feel so upbeat when i see the dreamy eyes...a promise to the future...they know they will surpass the difficulties and have already created a beautifully lit musical world for themselves...you can know who is sophisticated, who is treacherous..who has been beaten by life..who is ready to beat life...beautiful world of all possibilities...

so much to learn...so much to think about..i have been touched by them in manners words cannot express...i believe life is beautiful...because even at the layer where life is not kind to you..the beauty of soul and spirit is outstanding....standing ovation to the beauty ..to the soul..to AUTO WALA BHAIYAS :)...

GOA...AAH - part II - we broke the rules

hmmm.. so this time we captured the GOA not everybody talks of ...Calangute and Anjuna were the only beaches we visited..we shunned other beaches and went touring fortress Aguada instead :)

We cancelled our FREE reservation for Marriott for a PAID stay at our old favorite Angel's Resort :)(hee..hee..just a point to prove how emotional we are as a family about certain things), the obvious reason being warm staff members of the resort.. 

My baby sure knows how to make a style statement .. the pics will prove that :)

And.......since my husband was kind enough to give me pocket money to spend on myself..i thot what better way to spend it than gift him a one-hour session of ayurvedic massage at a beautiful centre!!!!

GOA rocked as usual !!!

Fortress Aguada

The angel's resort..

I know the style statement - its me !!!

Ayurvedic Massage Centre

Fortress Aguada

Oops...i love her

Anjuna Beach

We went cruising..Swastik

Deafening Silence...

never knew
silence can be so noisey

NO thing to say
NO thing to share
NO words spoken

the dialogue between
brain and heart can be so tiring
it tires my soul
and makes my body sleepy

there was a time
when i would snatch my piece of silence
even in a crowded place
would put my soul to sleep
and my mind to rest
so easily

today

i feel lost even in the silence i so preserved
this constant
chatter in the brain
the constant noise in the mind
can be so deafening
so tiring

my soul wants to escape

my lady love... genetics speaks... my baby's love for camera :)

hmm... so the genetic coding is in full swing... my baby loves camera as much as i do...not only being shot but also shooting !!! These were clicked when we decided to have a little break and pose infront of laptop lense!!

when roads teach you the way of life...

:hmm... with no job and enough of tv watching i am trying to locate some work to keep myself busy.

thot it would be a good idea to jot down things i have learned after spending 33 yrs on earth :) for first 16-20 years i was protected with friends, hostel walls, and an adoring family.. now in the second part of my life i have learnt a few things which might sound very funny and stupid to people who have spent all their life dealing with life !!

so here goes the list -

• if you are not carrying a cell and you have forgotten to put on wrist watch ..not sure when you have to knock on the school doors to pick your 3.5 yr old up from playschool, walk unfazed to a post office nearby and check what time their big prominent wall- clock is showing :)-  this is when you are literally on road not knowing what to do , and you are embarassed that you can be such a fool
• for normal postal services you have to use a stamp, even if it is within the city - this is when you are so used to courier system and your visits to post offices are limited, that you do not know such a stupid thing  - i had actually posted my tax papers without a stamp!!

• if there is one hour left in your hand before your baby's pick is to happen and you do not know what to do with your time - go through different lanes of the areas and learn the designs and architecture of the houses around you, it is amazing how each house has a story to tell
• there are things which might go actually wrong- when i say that , i mean they can ACTUALLY go wrong. Normally we think nothing can happen to us ...but life teaches you something else
• if there is no time for haircut and you are in a real mood to experiment - chop off the front hair and see what style comes out (check the pics ..hee...hee)
• if you leave your purse unattended for even a minute - people around you literally shout at your carelessness - not with WARMTH of care, but with a FEAR of being labelled a burglar if somebody picks the purse...well.... aahh.. this was certainly a shocking experience
• that the world of novels and writers are just that - most of the time in real life nothing like novellish happen :)
• your signature changes with time - ACTUALLY...and the money you have invested somewhere gets stuck because you have to prove to them with an affidavit that YOU are the person who invested that money - i mean running around on road and offices to prove your existence..wow...paper work and life do not go hand-in-hand...
• that no matter how honest and self-respected you are - when life slaps you ....the need to beg for a job grows :) - how you handle yourself in such tough situations is actually who you are ....
• that no matter how strong and independent you are - you can be weak and tired and look forward to a little hug...the need is there

some more insights will come ... as and when i am struck with NEW learning ..on the roads...in the lanes :)

the wandering soul..........

these were clicked..on compulsion..when an event travels thru senses and forces you to relent to something you have no control over...the twilight zone i have been travelling in ...in search of ONE...camera..is just a media.......like a sufi soul i travel from one desert to another...dancing on my toes...to the tune of the rythm emanating from the divinity around and in us...

the beauty so immense...and so scattered ... that a simple eye would miss them altogether...awesome work of the master craftsman..a painter, a scientist, a perfectionist, a creator out of reach of limited words...awesome.. the feeling so immense... that i surrender...in all humiliation and gratitude.....

why?????

why is the power of negative so strong ?

why does white lose its identity when it meets with black?
......black colors white
how come a small piece of cloud blocks the sun and the moon
.......the force and divinity of these stars....defeated infront of a floating black cloud?!

if truth always wins then .....
why was Jesus crucified
Mahatama shot at
Rama sent to Jungle
Sita to the earth.....

what happened to an anecdote which taught us
in those long lovely honest nights
satyamev jayate..........satyamev jayate....satyamev jayate.....

where are those kings who along with the night of their stories
walked into our eyes
and entered our souls..
giving us the invincible power of truth and honesty

was it a dream ... of innocent childhood
the security of knowing ...
that positive always wins...

or what i see after the sleep is the truth.....
why....oh god...why....

i seek an answer....

what is the truth???

Goa....aaah!!!

Pencil Strokes !

A Man's ode to Fidelity... :) ...

listen sweetheart..

feel the warmth of my hand in yours
and look into my eyes
you will see your soul lingering in mine

the promises i made ..i remember well
the dreams we dreamt together still tugs my heart
i am still your woodcutter
and i still find time to lie down beside you
under the sky
on a sunflower bed...
you give me the warmth i hanker for

how can you fail...
when you and i are ONE
one soul split into two
there is nothing that you go through and i don't...

you run in my blood
you linger in my mind
you live in my heart
and play in my soul...

you bore my kid in your womb
and you loved me with your heart...
there is no beauty that compares to you
36-24-36 does not matter...
because you are not a measurement....

An ode to Fidelity... :)

Hey!!

so what if i bore you a kid
and ironed your shirts
made sure your food was ready on time
and the house was kept beautiful and warm
when you came back from work

so what if i waited for you every evening
and i changed things around me to make sure
you had a complete life..

so what if i prayed to god..
he gave you my life and happiness..
that you lived life full..

in doing all this
i had forgotten
that there was a change in the equation
not only my 36-24-36 has changed
but also my "me"

and so ..
when i waited for you
and prayed for you
and loved you...

you were little busy
admiring beauties
and remembering old love
following the 36-24-36

which i dont have now
and never will have....

my woodcutter does not come back to home
longing for me
and we do not lie under the sky
on sunflower bed
vowing to be with each other
in all lifetimes

because..i lacked something which rules the hormones...
i tried winning you with heart...
and i failed
miserably...

The mansion inside me....

i carry an old mansion inside me
furnitureless
open and big
old...

there is a forest outside it
i take a walk on its crunching leaves
in calm afternoons
and put my soul to sleep under the sky
breeze caressing it innocently...

i read, dance, play, talk to clouds and create...

the silence and the peace makes me cry out of happiness

then...suddely there is a knock on the door
and i come out
on the roads and in this concrete world
lonely
helpless, eccentric, crazy...

dying to go back to my old mansion
thirsting for the silence of afternoons
and the sound of crunching leaves...

i wait
for the call of the mansion..and the silence of the forest

Pencil Strokes !

The Santa of my Family ...!!!!

He is the santa of our family,
whole year round..not only in december..

he comes with surprise gifts
and hugs and laughter
his kindness
is packaged
not in glossy sheets
and he does not use the socks
to hide the gifts

my santa....

he has a gift for everyone
and he remembers to give us surprises
and make our evenings and days
without any occassion
without any snow around us

my santa...

he gives
but never receives...
and he goes to the bed
with a smile on his soul

knowing we do not have to wait for the christmas
for arrival of the santa...

PS: Thanks for being a wonderful father and a husband darling..

Pondicherry ..... what a beauty!!!!!!!!!!! Aafreen!!!

do not want to delve into words...let the pictures talk...if there is a perfect balance of peace, tranquility, modernisation, relaxation...it is here..here...here...

Once upon a time ..there was a king and there was a queen....

he was the king of pop
but he died lonely in his mansion

he ruled the heart of millions
and his heart cheated on him ....
he died of heart attack

he lived his life king size
and he died with debt

he walked the moon
but was lonely on his bed...

he sang to the world
and danced for them
he was the king
who died in his kingdom
lonely and songless...

she was the most beautiful woman on earth
shy, coy, timid, rigid, strong, sought after

a fairy from a fairytale..

she ruled the heart of millions
but hankered for true love in life
her heart cheated on her
and she died when her heart moved from left to right in a car accident..

in Paris...
the city of love...

once upon a time

there was a king

and there was a queen...

Oil on canvas...my latest

I am the Equinox.. DO NOT DEFINE ME PLEASE!

i am 12 hrs night
and 12 hrs day
equal
i am the equinox

i am the black

and i am the white

a perfect blend for grey

i am the question

i am the answer

the quest and the destination of the search

i am the winner

i am the loser

the humble and the arrogant

i am equal in length
intensity
breadth
balance
justice
sun spread
soaring wind
green trees
wide desert
i am 12 hrs night
i am 12 hrs day
i am an equal stretch
i am the  equinox

DO NOT TRY TO DEFINE ME...

The road is dark and dusky ....

the road is long
and i dont see an end
it is cloudy
and afternoon seems like a night
no sun
heavy wind
i hold the kid in my hand
and walk all alone on this deserted road
waiting for you darling
i know you will come
and hold my hand
and listen to me
and sit with me

i know i will find the way
the road will not be lonely for long
the sun will shine
and once again

we will be a happy family...

List of Coincidences ... the intensity and length of my search...

was it a coincidence that i read ..

a thousand splendid suns and witch of portobello together?

one talking of Mariam... all the potential of a strong woman..but dies a weak death...lives a weak life..absolutely non-consequential (i dont give her credit for being strong in hacking her husband...) ..how much i loved her..how much hopes i had from her..how much i wanted jalil to be strong and own his daughter..how much..how much.. but alas....

the other one talks of athena..she is strong, has everything in life and puts them at stake for the sake of her find ..her search..her search for nothingness (in my terms) leads her to a point all our parents dread ... and then she is saved...she, with a 5-yr old in her arms, she parentsless like Mariam .. and yet... strong...yes, i  understand ..unlike Athena..Mariam was not blessed with foster parents ..they both left a strong impression on my mind..and i kept thinking of them .. why is it that i met two diverse characters at one go... will wait for the answer...

was it a coincidence that -

Athena finds "the power"/"mother" through her dance... and i have had privilege of touching "ONE" during my dances .. when i was a kid .. i would dance all alone, without knowing the song...without any practise i would give stage performance and would win applause and prizes!!!! i was gifted or possesed? was it a past life accumulation ... is it that since i have lost touch with that gift i have hit the pit in my life (i rarely dance now....sad..) was athena and her search thru dance, a message for me thru universe?! did the book happen to me because i am looking for an anchoring in this point in time of my life? and the songs that i have started listening to (prior to the discussion of this form of dance by the author) ....were all sufi numbers!!!!

is it a coincidence that -

i have started reading Brida - woman in search of nothingness (in book  some sort of occult science) ...she wants to learn magic..and  ..hold your breath....the tarrot card that i got for this week is that of a magician!! ..it symbolises some kind of search!!! (thats what this online tarrot i subscribe to tell me !!!) - ??? is it a message again or i am insane in paying too much importance to such silly coincidences...when i went to library to pick a book i had this great inner urge to read something on life after death, or something which was outside our conscious rationale..

is it a coincidence -

that in past three months i dreamt of plane crashing in water (since childhood i have had dreams of fear of plane crash..but not even once my plane has crashed...i have always managed to get out unscratched) ..and within 2-3 days of each dream i have read newspaper headlines on missing and crashing planes (the plane that went missing in france and was later found with no person alive...there was a consecutive second crash somewhere else in the world) ... many crashes happen..but these ones made headlines...and though i miss newspaper readings for many days due to hectic morning schedule...i did not miss on these editions - they were infront of me early morning!!

is it a coincidence -

that i dreamt about my CEOs death and within 15 days i got a news of first death in our office.. a young colleague of mine met with an accident and passed away ...........this was when i was no more with the same organisation and was holidaying outside India...

what was that which pushed me so hard to produce oil paints (i have displayed them on my blog) when till date i am not sure of how do i hold the brush properly??!!

is this a coincidence that somethings like dream, dance and choice of books which are so private are finding their way to the public blog? why is this urge to share what i am going thru so strong...?? ... will i stumble upon somebody by coincidence who be my master or guide in some manner ??? dont know...let the time talk to me :)

aah..long series of dialogues and questions...plaguing my psyche...

answer to my quest for ONE...