Humbled...

this is the divine quirk!! the day i was lowest ... questioning my worth, trying to locate what my reality was, assessing my downfall in life, calculating what my worthless entity would be worth of ..... here came a dear friend from blogging world and decided to pass the sweet blog award to me !!

Thank you Masked Blogger.... guess divine chose you as my messenger...  you made me smile :)

The person who receives the award is expected to:

1. Thank the person giving the award . . .  :)
2. Tell you seven facts about self . . .
3. And pass this award on to other deserving bloggers . . .

1 - Dear Masked Blogger, you made me smile today and in all its innocence and simplicity suddenly this award seems so so so encouraging... thank you for passing by when i was all alone on the road to self doubt and depression; i am smiling like a little girl who has just been handed over the ice-cream!

2. a - I exist because of my little one
b - i am boring and an incurable romantic at heart...men of honor and ethics attracted me as a teenager (Howard Roarke from The Fountainhead) and i used to dream of a past life soulmate who would talk to me only thru his eyes in the most profound and silent kind of love, he would know the child in me and would not cheat on me even if i left him in the ocean of hot bods.. how stupid i was !!
c- i talk too little - sometimes i can go quiet for days...not having a need of social touch at all
d- i talk too much - when i connect with people (my blogging friends would vouch for it!!!)
e- i am hyper emotional about a few things in life and i can cry about silly things- when i look at myself from an outsiders eyes i label myself as neurotic
f- i often wonder at the beauty of world, stars, moon, God... and smallest of thing in nature makes me very very very happy!!
g- i am still a small girl trapped in a woman's body and i feel very uncomfortable with the outside world

3 - I would like to pass this award to :
http://honey-milestogo.blogspot.com/
http://juliemooreonlife.wordpress.com/
http://velvetoversteel.blogspot.com/
http://umengine3.blogspot.com/
http://welcometomyworldofpoetry.blogspot.com/
http://thewarriorwins.blogspot.com/
http://expressionsofamadwoman.blogspot.com/
http://thinkerpositive.blogspot.com/
http://richvardhan.blogspot.com/
http://www.psychicdonut.com/
http://wildwoodflower-daybyday.blogspot.com/
http://clarissadraper.blogspot.com/
http://stuffcouldalwaysbeworse.blogspot.com/

Strokes...

He was drunk...

it was evening. 7 pm. Dhaula kuana (Delhi) in that time when i was doing my masters, 2001 was not safe for girls. I had faced events of eveteasing and had held collars of bastards who would try to whisper things in your ears or would try to grope you. Police intervention was there but it was a scary place to be in the evenings.

I had come from work and was stranded in an area only which was only 5 mts (by auto) and 10-15 mts (by walk) away from my hostel. I had to report to hostel by 7:30 pm or else doors would be locked and warden would be updated of my late coming!

I was scared and tired. i tried stopping so many autos but none of them agreed to drop me to such a short distance. the road to the hostel was the scariest road. lonely and dark. people would stop cars or they would actually approach you if you were all alone. since where i was standing was flooded with students' PG it was a little safe. i did not want to take a chance with walking. so i tried and tried. but failed

then he approached me from the crowded, young, busy, unaware population there. he was drunk!!! he belonged to either brazil or some other country and was a student who was staying in that area. i was scared. people approach you for stupid things like "will you go out with me" on those roads.... 

he asked me what was wrong with me and i burst into tears... i was crying... i told him how i HAD to be in hostel before 7:30 pm ... and no auto was stopping ... i was stuck ..

he came near me and kept his hand on my head!!! he was unstable and i was scared... oh shit....

he said in his accented tone and broken english - "you my sister, i make sure you reach hostel.. i make sure.." i was shocked!!!

this drunk guy, who could not even walk properly crossed the road and waved frantically to autos threatening them to take me to hostel.. finally his friend also arrived and they managed to stop an auto...

he gave me his flat address .. then he told the auto wala bhaiya that i had to be dropped safely , that if he would mess  up he would thrash him up ... he asked me to let warden talk to him if she said anything to me... i was speechless...

he then told me to move on... .

i don't know where  he is... don't know who he was ... but unknown to him he has become part of my treasured memories...

whenever i am sad, lonely , disillusioned .. he crosses my mind.... i have no words to express what i feel for him....the immense respect cannot be put in words....i wish life granted him the bestest.. at least today  i send my blessings to him...

he was drunk... and he made me feel the safest that day .. .i dropped all my stereotypes on drinking after i met him...

This Blogging world of mine....

i did not know that when i joined this void i would end up having soul connections.. so much so that when anything positive happens in life my impulse is to come back to you all....

my god.. it is funny... i escaped into this to be devoid of any emotional connect which has the power to hurt you immensely and i ended up doing exactly that here...

i got a job!! it was a dream come true.. it is flexi-time contract for a year. I am working as an HR partner for this upcoming Financial KPO with a team size of 35+. The work is immensely satisfying since i am supposed to contribute only 10 hrs per week and be on floor as per my wish!! what i intended to do ten years down the line came to me in a straight shot!! it is a pure pleasure to be working on appraisal, induction, training ...HR policies... how much i missed it!!

the most satisfying aspect of this whole arrangement is that i am with my kid!!! i will not miss her important milestones!!  i am happy .. . and very very grateful to the divine force.. it took care of all my concerns at one go!

and guess what happened while i was running around to put the contract in place.... i was talking to Coreen, Honey, Jules, Mumbai girl (the doc in the making), positive thinker, Raja , Sandra, Masked Blogger, Julie...... funny..... how somebody becomes a part of you ... the feeling was a surprise for me too! here i was again attached to the virtual world!! i was so eager to come and talk to you all... i had this number 32 printed on my head!! i had to go back to the room where you all were sitting and waiting for me to come and break the news to you!!! some distant friends, some new where the connect is yet to form and some so integral to my soul world now....

thank you....thank you for being there when i had hit the lowest phase of my life.... i will make sure no work load takes me away from this little room full of beautiful people....

thank you....

GOA Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it was Goa again for us!!! the main focus was on calangute and baga this time... had a wonderful time... there were some new developments though -

• for the first time i had somebody clicking my photographs.. i was not behind the camera always!! here it is for you all ...the real me!! it should also act as a disclaimer for people (only men) who thought i was BEAUTIFUL !!! ... do you see my tummy!! no i am not pregnant!! i am plain fat..... not so pretty after all when you go down, below face. People who seem to have fallen in love with me despite me telling them i am a mother of one child and not so young and pretty as i come across with make up on .... kindly have a look and know i was not being modest... i have passed that age of crush and love..... :)..i am a mother with a big fat tummy planning to have another baby...loads of grey hair on my head... not at all glamorous...
• i spent a lot on junk jewellery!!!! love them!! antiques drive me crazy and my husband was kind enough to let me loose..... i went like a mad woman from one shop to another admiring the beauty .... wow!! loved it ... Goa has an antique soul.... it inspires the age in you....
• bought some pure beach flavored clothes!!! they will last only for 6mths - 1 year....but i can't wait even that long... age is passing me by and i need to delve into everything silly before i gracefully give up my claim on youth and retire to peaceful and beautiful old segment
• we realised our daughter has grown up!!! we actually could leave her in our hotel room for 15 mts and have breakfast on our own in the nearby restaurant!!
• we went looking for alternatives to Angel's resort... the place we usually stay and realised it had no competition in the same budget!! it is a beauty and the staff members are very very very caring!! so we decided next time on, no experimentation - we hit Goa and we check into Angel's Resort straight on!

Dona Paula Beach- Evening

Break (fast) time!

posing in the campus of Angel's Resort!

Calangute Beach

Angel's Resrot...leaving for an evening shopping spree...

Fort Aguada...

Playing with shadows and charcoal..

 the shades are done by using the ashes of cig stubs!! had no charcoal stick per se... :)

i was trying to capture sun's beauty...but GOD had other plans... final product seems good !



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The dancing reflection on the window...

the brutal love...

i usually don't post videos..i assume nobody has the time and the patience to go thru it ... but i could not resist this one... found it on fb and thought of all the blogger friends... have a look at it .. i promise you will not regret it ..

i watched it at least 5 times..and i cried like a baby each time...

may the love of divine unmanifest envelop each of you ...

spread love around .....

Jules from Trying to get over the Rainbow came up with an awesome idea of spreading love. She offered this button to all her followers suggesting we send out this button to our blogger friends which in turn would spread the love around us...

so here it goes for you all... spread love ...

A confession...

i come back with a confession

i have told some of you individually, but today i go public with my social shyness problem with you all...

since childhood i have suffered from social shyness , any type of attention makes me feel very very very uncomfortable

i was a stage performer but i would come back hungry from parties because i was shy of eating in public, during my youth when i got attention from opposite gender i would want to hide in a cave, i refused promotion while working because i was underconfident of my skills as a manager, i refused to give presentation on assignments for which i had really worked hard (broken my neck!) because i could not muster courage to go public ... ... outwardly i have reacted as a rebel not caring to wear clothes or makeup (people around me thought i was bindas..) but the deep rooted issue was that i was scared of attention

nobody in the outside world except a few of them know that i can actually look the way i do on my blog... in fact not even the man i am married to knows that i have won lots of dance competitions...blogging was a medium of expression because i had so much inside me and i did not have the skills to share it with the world around me ....

i have been given awards by my blogger friends in the past, but due to this handicap i have felt very embarassed to display them on my blog...every time i see a new person on my blogger friend roll i get anxious..not happy ... anxious of failing them ...

when i got this one today i thought probably universe is forcing me to mend my ways....these blogging friends of mine have somehow managed to find my name everytime they wanted to share their happiness ....

i hereby display this award given to me by Samantha from  Life, Love and Living in France fame

Thanks Samantha, i am humbled to the core....

i would also like to thank all my friends who have in the past showed their affection for me by passing on the awards to me , i am sorry for not having enough courage to display them on my blog at that point in time....

Life is good, because today i have chosen to break this wall inside me... even if it is a virtual world... i am sure .. there is a plan which is coming in action .. thank you all for helping me surpass myself..and my limitations..

I would like to pass this to

http://juliemooreonlife.wordpress.com/
http://expressionsofamadwoman.blogspot.com/
http://mybigsecretblog.blogspot.com/
http://thinkerpositive.blogspot.com/
http://stuffcouldalwaysbeworse.blogspot.com/
http://velvetoversteel.blogspot.com/

you just need to write briefly about "life is good" and if you feel like do pass it on the award to your other friends...

the poor king ..

this is what i was doing all this while...
the painting is a reproduction of a shot of an old poor man taken by my younger sister Dolls during her trip to exotic Himachal Pradesh...

i have made him a king by giving a touch of gold acrylic on his cap and on his creases to represent the wealth of experience..

the standard of painting is far below anything decent - i have used students' oil colors and eyes could have been better ...creases also have not come out the way i had imagined it ...

Oh Sire...my Father!!! Your eagle is wounded......

you gave me your wings
your share of wind
and your share of sky
i flew high up in the sky
talking to winds and daring the sun...

oh sire...my father..
your eagle is wounded now
wings clipped
wind gone
the piece of sky all blurred and grey

you stand on the ground
watching your eagle fall
wounded, tired, lost, struggling to keep the dive...
lost in her own piece of sky
your eyes... all wet and sad...

i always told you
you were a bad investment banker
you invested in wrong stocks
your fixed deposit all gone
looted by the corrupt bank
you worked too hard with no result...
you chose a wrong eagle
the weak one
and though it flew for few hours
now it is ready
to dive to death

oh sire..my father...
please forgive me
i wasted your wing
your sky
your wind

this imperfect man.....

 My dear darling,

i write this mail to you to let you know a few things about life.our lives. i fear you will never come to know about them if i were not to relate them to you. since i am bad with talking i jot them down here. in this holy void of mine.

    this is about the man.. 
who fathered you  

i don't remember getting up at nights EVER to feed you EVEN once after i stopped my feed to you. he would feed you every night, every three /four hours. Till date, no matter how busy we are, no matter where we are , he is always alert about whether you are hungry or thirsty, and till date, if it is ever required..he is the one who gets up to get you milk..He knows exactly when your Complan needs to be refilled!

He is an amazing singer... and he sang beautiful numbers keeping you in his lap..putting you to peaceful sleep ... he does it even now if you are very cranky... he sings patiently to you ... lovely songs... i hope you will remember the beauty, warmth and rhythm of them when you are all grown up and ready to face the world on your own...

During your nappy period, he would  change your nappies absolutely on time and he always knew when we had to get a new packet!! He was more involved in your toilet training than me... he, in fact, toilet trained you .. very patiently ..

He never complained of not having enough sleep! we have a room free but he would never, ever, leave you and sleep in peace. This continues till date (remember last night how tired he was.. you played music and you had to share so many things... he did not leave you .. he waited till you allowed him to sleep....)

 He gets up each morning at 6 am to prepare you a hot water bath (on your school days) and lays your school dress, jacket with a perfectly pinned handkerchief on it, your socks, your cream, your bath-robe ..in a perfect order on bed. he wakes you up with loads of love and puts your shoes on once you are ready for school. he goes to drop you to the bus-stop and is home at sharp 6:30 pm to enjoy your company! All this when he is diabetic and he gets tired easily

His diabetes leaves him irritable at times, but, he is NEVER impatient with you. He sits with you and teaches you A,B,C as if it was a coding and data architecture topic... you cannot imagine the patience required for an adult to reduce to A B C when amidst studies you have so many stories to tell him ... he paints with you .. he admires your dance... he listens to your stories.. all this when i know his body is giving up and he really wants rest.....but i also know that you are the source of his energy and happiness .. so i don't interfere...except when it is dinner time!

He celebrates your birthday with balloons, cake and flowers because you claim it is your birthday! and this happens at any time of the year :)

 He takes you to places so that you emerge as a beautiful, well - read, well - learned, non-judgemental, respectful soul... that is his way of educating you

when you grow up and you have enough education .. like all over educated people you might have a tendency to see the imperfections in your father

but do not ever forget that.....

this imperfect man did everything to make your childhood a perfect one