Satyam Shivam Sundaram !

My dear love…

I am around 2 mths late in posting for your birthday. Sorry!

So you have turned seven …the roller-coaster ride that we have had as a daughter-mother duo is now taking a clear shape

Sometimes your little head must be wondering why maa always tells you stories (you get bored) of Raja Vikrmaditya, the king of immense power who chose humility and truth over pride and aggression , she is also going to bore you with stories on Raja Harishchandra who stood for truth despite all the odds he faced in life!

You are now well versed with Bapu and his saying “an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind” – you love that poster in your room right?! J

I have noticed that your little brain inspires you to lie (sometimes) or present inaccurate data infront of maa simply because you don’t want to incur her wrath J . You also try to show that you are grown up enough to know what is right and wrong for you …. I am amused and more worried…this is the time… this period of development will separate my being a good mother vs a failed mother.

If I am able to instil the truth, integrity and sense of self respect in you ..i will die a peaceful death, knowing no matter where you are and with whom you are …you are a happy person for like I always tell you …your talents, your truthfulness, your books are your best friends …no human can replace them …the love that we always search for in opposite genders or outside us is actually always residing within us …love yourself…respect yourself …for you can give only what you possess!

you will understand it when you grow up J you are too small now J

Ok , so here is a story by maa….hope one day you read it and know the depth of it …hope you will know that what I ever wanted was to see you in peace and happiness…

We have been watching Devon ke Dev Mahadev and for a little soul like you, it comprises of lot of characters and story lines J but when you grow up you will realise they are CONCEPTS which had to be told in terms of characters and story lines to allow them to permeate a normal human mind who is too busy thinking about saving and future and has no energy left end of the day to get into quantum spirituality

So you saw the character Jalandhar and also a character called Andhak. I will talk about them in some detail here –

They both are SHIVANSH , meaning they were born out of energy of Adishakti /Prakriti and Purusha (in the form of Shiva- the ultimate,  and , Parvati- his split female part)  

The focal point of those characters –

They both were born Shivansh but Jalandhar chose to represent OVER-AMBITION and Andhak, LUST.

So how can a negative energy of over-ambition and lust be born out of that which is TRUTH (Satyam Shivam Sundaram!)

Put simply it can be understood like this – every energy in itself contains both the positive and negatives of that energy (Genetic science, physics and your mausi ma can explain that to you later)

They both are provided with a matrix of choice, to choose their path, each path leading to a particular end… the truth gives you options …again and again to play with your choices and change the end product of your journey

Jalandhar (read over-ambition) despite his sheen and glow of immense love for his wife, sense of doership for his people and a brilliant spark of truthfulness (truth defined as per his level) had to achieve salvation and go back to his source. Andhak, on the other hand, born out of pure darkness chose to let pass all the data given to him through a dark tunnel of his mind and soul and arrive at the residual value of the data or skewed form of the same e.g. when his Guru Shukracharya (read him as INTELLECT) tells him he is a SHIVANSH ,  Andhak choses the data “so I have the power of Mahadev (GOD of all GODS)” …..instead of the truth that “he was the son of SHIVA and PRAKRITI and hence it was immoral for him to desire PRAKRITI as his lover” !

So, when you receive a set of data ..do give it a chance to appear infront of you in the most objective manner – you see we give a character to it based on our level, it is as IT IS!

Do you remember the story point where Jalandhar complains about how his father SHIVA (read truth) chose to ignore him despite the fact that he was in pain! This is what Shiva told him “How could I ignore you when I was never separate from you, I was always there..with you …in form of your wife,  guru and mother but you chose to ignore me”

Someday you will feel the pressure of my moral science lectures, someday you will fight with me for a normal life of being ok with things not approved by me… someday when I will seem separated from you …remember Jalandhar and remember what SHIVA said to him.... you were never abandoned, for one cannot abandon oneself right? You are born out of me…so you are me and I am you … like SHIVA says …YOU and ME happens when we make a choice of seeing duality…if you remember that you are but a part of me you will know that what I do for you is for me J I do not have different standards for YOU and ME…

One day you will be a mother and one day you will know the experience of ONENESS…that little girl with her own head, mind, soul and learning and yet carrying you inside her …always….it will fill you with immense joy and you will want to give her the bestest in the world…

we all have SHIVA, Jalandhar and Andhak in us...

In my world , the bestest that I want to gift to you is the bestest ever –

SHIVA

THE TRUTH

SATYAM SHIVAM SUNDARAM

With loads of blessings and prayers

Maa!

 

 

My fountainhead...

My Great GrandMom was married at the tender age of 9 and was widowed at the age of 13 (that is how old families in India used to work) ....My Grand Mom was born to her ..a single child......family lore says she was never angry (my Grandpa was!) ....and she had a heart (which was damaged and hence had to be replaced with a false one) of Gold....i loved her and admired her soooooooooooooo much...,.

never in my life i have had puris the way she used to make them....the pooris and aloo ki sabji somehow were very heavenly...probably because the main ingredient she used in cooking was love :)...

i love her...and hope wherever she is ....she is wrapped in the warmth and love of God....

missing you...
 

my liberation....

Oh Beloved,
take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love and
release me from the two worlds.

Rumi

and he ate only one meal for 14 years...our Fountainhed!

Once there lived a man, made up of earth and soul. I hear stories about him from my elder siblings and my father

He was my grandfather aptly named VED ANAND (VED is the science of knowledge which is deemed as the last stop in hunting of secret wisdoms and ANAND means BLISS)

When he realised he was not able to fend for my father’s studies he ate only ONCE- in- a day for 14 LONG years!!!

We were so poor that we did not have staple food to eat– he would grow potatoes and feed his family

He had fallen from being a Jeth Raiyat (a high position of that era) to being a man who had no money to educate his kids, a fall which should not befall on enemies even

But he persisted

I hear stories like how he never told my father to study (the longest time that my father has studied is 45 minutes), of course he was born brilliant! With borrowed books and library he cleared his states examination and became a state level administrative officer who was revered and loved by his colleagues. His fellowship money (my father was a scholarship winner) of 18 Rupees was used to run the household and his education fee. He could not sit for Central Level exam (IAS) because he did not have money for the forms…

My Grandfather would be outside my father’s examination hall with Sweets (rasgulla) after each exam, he told him “I want to feed you so much of your beloved stuff that after a point of time you will not have the NEED to have them”

When my elder sister, who was the first and only child to be born in our family then, because of her childhood insisted upon having some staple food and not boiled potatoes always he would wipe  tears off his eyes and look straight. HE WOULD NOT BORROW, even not for his beloved (my sister)

So was HE!! not to be bent...no compromise on VALUES!

Later on, my father went on to become a successful officer, a man who refused a job with INDIAN AIRFORCE because that would mean going away from the family and that was not acceptable to him! Like my grandfather, my father is a self – made man too! He refuses to compromise on his values (especially with finance)

Lots of things have changed now, my Grandfather’s passion for education flowed from him to my father who later on put us in choicest of schools to make sure we grew up to be a refined being

We have not seen financial issues and I cannot imagine which man with this earthy body would GIVE UP on food

I am a parent – am I capable of such missionary zeal for my child…I doubt…

My father insists he would never be able to better his father when it comes to being a good father …

I miss him so much today…wish I was matured enough to know what kind of SPIRITUAL TREASURE I had when he was around…the only thing I remember about him is …he would always put the first morsel in our mouth before beginning his meal… he is alive amidst us all in us and in the family- lore

I miss him…..so much…that my heart aches and my eyes weep…

here it goes :) songs of shades....

finally feel good about my end product ! almost thought i am losing it...thank you God!!

 

my crush....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you turn six and lose your first baby tooth :)

so you turned 6 on July 21 :) ..extremely sorry for a delayed post darling, ma was caught up ....
and you lost your first baby tooth on August 17th 2012!!! so this post is for both the important events :)

i told you to ask for health, wealth, happiness, peace, serenity and love from the tooth fairy and this is what you told me :)

"i will ask for a jewellery set for you , a set of pajama and kurta for papa and one barbie set for myself "

i was taken aback and told you to ask for the wish of health etc first and then later on you can ask for all those things ..

this is what you replied

"i will ask for health, wealth and all when my second one comes out" !!!!

oof!! your innocence makes me laugh and cry at the same time!!!

darling, i have kept that tooth with your bunch of first hair cut (in the salon) and the piece of umbilical cord which you shed once you were 6-7 days old :)...you know mommy's wealth collection !! she feels richest looking at them... :)

by the time i introduce you to my blog you will be grown up enough to understand why i keep all those "first" things with my jewellery set :)

someday i will leave a long long mail on how you make me feel ... someday you will understand why mommy cries so much (like i just did this morning talking to you :)) ......i hope someday you will have time for me and my blog ...till then...take care my little angel.....

May you be blessed with abundance, success, happiness, peace, serenity. longevity, health , love and a very very loving and caring life partner :)

here are some shots :) enjoy them...

 

The real gifted ones....

i had made a promise once that someday i will share the work of people who in my opinion manifest divinity very closely....some work of art here ... with permission from the artist ..i found her on fb ...i don't know when and how :)...i will also share some work by Henri Lamy, an artist from Paris with some fabulous work ...that is only if he permits me to display his work on my blog :)..

till then ..have a treat :)

http://www.facebook.com/niSHADES



this one is pencil sketch by the same artist ..Manisha..



another one by her





You can check more of her work on the link i have shared in the beginning of the post.... enjoy ...if you have an eye for art her work is a treat for soul....she is an amazing writer and you can check her poems too :) ......they will leave you tranced!..i promise if you love art you will be delighted to the hilt!!

Disclaimer - I am not related to the artist and i do not know her personally except on fb....i think she is an Engineering student who has just completed her course

the legend...first superstar of Indian Cinema

Rest in peace....1942-2012

legends don't die...

Thank God!!! they found you.... :)!

I have taken the liberty to delete a few lines from this article ...i am not in a mood to complain.... and i REALLY dont think a NOBEL PRIZE is a seal of authenticity for any creation... .

i am rejoicing the fact that one of my forefathers was an important contributor to this big event !!!

BOSON comes from BOSE (Mr. S N Bose's photograph given below) and Einstein . Mr. Higgs was present when the result was being telecast :) ....


Source - http://zeenews.india.com/news/exclusive/sn-bose-the-god-particles-neglected-namesake_785719.html
Ananya Bhattacharya
In the territory of science, they say, nothing can be designated the rock-solid status of a ‘theory’. Hypotheses are all that anybody can think of, and today’s established theory might be shown the door tomorrow. The field is diverse, researches unending, and discoveries incessant and earth-shattering.
Every century has been a witness to many revelatory discoveries and inventions in science. But the latter half of 2011 went a step ahead. It shook the basic bedrock of Physics, almost rendered in tatters the foundation of Albert Einstein’s iconic E=mc2: scientists at CERN cast doubts on the ‘fact’ that nothing travelled faster than light. Certain neutrinos, they claimed, might, travel faster. The entire scientific world was shaken out of their luxurious realities with this revelation. Challenging the God of Modern Physics wasn’t something that someone did every day, after all.

July 2012 marked another milestone in the history of Quantum Physics – God Particle, they claimed, had been discovered. The God Particle, otherwise known as the Higgs boson particle, is one that has been instrumental in holding many in taut suspension ever since its purported existence rose to the fore. While Albert Einstein has been immortalised in realms superterranean, and Peter Higgs’ list of awards don’t find an end, the other scientist whose namesake is a part of this God Particle, has been brutally glossed over. His contributions never found the international acknowledgement of a Nobel Prize, and the irony is even more glaring in the fact that several researches but the foundational one on the ‘Boson’ particle have been honoured with that ultimate recognition.

Bose’s research career spanned decades of hard work and inadequate recognition. What with his path-breaking researches on particle physics and notable discoveries in quantum statistics being among the greatest achievements of the 20th century, SN Bose could easily have been awarded a Nobel Prize. His overarching status of a researcher might then have been done some justice to.

The God Particle, which has created such a deafening brouhaha in the last few days, wasn’t one that just came into being. The Higgs boson particle, based on the Bose-Einstein Statistics, was one that had its hypothesis in place – thanks to the work of this Indian and Einstein. With its existence now on its way to embrace the pedestal of the truth, one might be forced to wonder why was it that while on the one hand Physics is replete with mentions of Einstein, on the other, Bose is a man who is hardly in the radar of recognition.

Satyendra Nath Bose, in early 20th century, along with Albert Einstein, engendered the basic tenets of the particles called bosons. And what followed thereafter is a saga of friendship, symbiosis and a relationship that transcended the mortal realms well into the immortal. Bose-Einstein Statistics, the Bose-Einstein Condensate and work on bosons are glowing reminders of that phenomenal relationship – which gave rise to several foundational elements of advanced physics.

With the Higgs-Boson particle on the threshold of solid discovery, Satyendra Nath Bose might have been happy with his work being the fulcrum of it all. Pride is not the only emotion that an Indian would feel at Bose’s name being a part of that which is supposed to be the crux of all matter. The feeling is an amalgam of an inarticulate rush of emotions. . Almost four decades since his demise, the man has been re-instated as an immortal – and this time, the entire world has been jolted out of a stupor. Years of neglect later, realisation has struck hard.

In an artist's conception, a Higgs boson erupts from a collision of protons.

Illustration by Moonrunner Design Ltd., National Geographic

Ker Than

for National Geographic News

Published July 4, 2012

"I think we have it. You agree?"
Speaking to a packed audience Wednesday morning in Geneva, CERN director general Rolf Heuer confirmed that two separate teams working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) are more than 99 percent certain they've discovered the Higgs boson, aka the God particle—or at the least a brand-new particle exactly where they expected the Higgs to be.
The long-sought particle may complete the standard model of physics by explaining why objects in our universe have mass—and in so doing, why galaxies, planets, and even humans have any right to exist.

Higgs Holds It All Together?
The Higgs boson is one of the final puzzle pieces required for a complete understanding of the standard model of physics—the so-far successful theory that explains how fundamental particles interact with the elementary forces of nature.
The so-called God particle was proposed in the 1960s by Peter Higgs to explain why some particles, such as quarks—building blocks of protons, among other things—and electrons have mass, while others, such as the light-carrying photon particle, do not.
Higgs's idea was that the universe is bathed in an invisible field similar to a magnetic field. Every particle feels this field—now known as the Higgs field—but to varying degrees.
If a particle can move through this field with little or no interaction, there will be no drag, and that particle will have little or no mass. Alternatively, if a particle interacts significantly with the Higgs field, it will have a higher mass.
The idea of the Higgs field requires the acceptance of a related particle: the Higgs boson.
According to the standard model, if the Higgs field didn't exist, the universe would be a very different place, said SLAC's Peskin, who isn't involved in the LHC experiments.
"It would be very difficult to form atoms," Peskin said. "So our orderly world, where matter is made of atoms, and electrons form chemical bonds—we wouldn't have that if we did not have the Higgs field."
In other words: no galaxies, no stars, no planets, no life on Earth.
"Nature Is Really Nasty" to Higgs Boson Seekers
Buried beneath the French-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider is essentially a 17-mile-long (27-kilometer-long) oval tunnel. Inside, counter-rotating beams of protons are boosted to nearly the speed of light using an electric field before being magnetically steered into collisions.
Exotic fundamental particles—some of which likely haven't existed since the early moments after the big bang—are created in the high-energy crashes. But the odd particles hang around for only fractions of a second before decaying into other particles.
(Also see "Strange Particle Created; May Rewrite How Matter's Made.")
Theory predicts that the Higgs boson's existence is too fleeting to be recorded by LHC instruments, but physicists think they can confirm its creation if they can spot the particles it decays into. (Explore a Higgs boson interactive.)
Now that the Higgs boson—or something like it—has been confirmed to indeed have a mass of around 125 to 126 GeV, scientists have a better idea why the God particle has avoided detection for so long.
This mass is just high enough to be out of reach of earlier, lower-energy particle accelerators, such as the LHC's predecessor, the Large Electron-Positron Collider, which could probe to only about 115 GeV.
At the same time 125 GeV is not so massive that it produces decay products so unusual that their detection would be clear proof of the Higgs's existence.
In reality the Higgs appears to transform into relatively commonplace decay products such as quarks, which are produced by the millions at the LHC.
"It just so happens that nature is really nasty to us, and the range that we've narrowed [the Higgs] down to is the range that makes it most difficult to find," ALICE's Evans said.
Despite the challenges, ATLAS's Gianotti said, it's fortunate that the Higgs has the mass that it does.
"It's very nice for the standard-model Higgs boson to be at that mass," she said. "Because at that mass we can measure it at the LHC in a huge number of final states. So, thanks Nature."

If you want to read further on it you can use the link -

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2012/07/120704-god-particle-higgs-boson-new-cern-science/

to me you shall be born...Happy Birthday my GOD ...

i will encase you in my womb

and nourish you with my blood

when you are born unto me ....

i will learn to read your eyes and feed you when you are hungry

i will walk you through sunshine into the moon mist nights

i will teach you about the wealth of life

and how we are born millionaires, for the stars in the sky are the diamonds we own without any cost

i will teach you the wonders of nature by showing you perfectly colored flowers

and immaculately designed human body

together we will explore how moon borrows its light to look beautiful at night

and how we all belong to one ... for the stars and the moon and the earth and everything else is precise like human life...they are mirror images..

they all are born and one day they all enter the zero... to come back again ..

and when you grow up

i will give you the wings to fly

and will push you into the sky ....

and look at you with pride... the way you do today ... tellling the world she is my daughter...

i will hold you like a badge on my chest...telling the world

he is my son... wind beneath my wings...

my dear sire,

as a daughter i am bankrupt

but when i am born unto you as your mother

i promise i will keep you like a prince...

that will be my gift to you

a way of returning what you gave to me this lifetime....

Happy Birthday my GOD...! May you be blessed with health, abundance ...and my share of happiness, serenity and life , if any...

Code Red

It was a code red!!

she had arrived in a mangled state

at first they thought it was a major accident case

they could not see her mangled face

she did not exist

the operation began promptly

human life was divine

Gods were there to protect her

but

they had to give up mid way

a flat line EEG meant her brain had given up

her thoughts ..her thinking power.. was completely shut down

loss of any case

was a severe loss for these life savers

what intrigued them was that when her heart was open

they saw scars of old wound with the new fresh wound

it was as if

the heart had been in pieces earlier too

when they tried to peep into her eyes

to see if something could be saved of the retina

they found small shards of glasses in them

shard of crystal dreams

they knew

it was an open and shut case

she had arrived dead

but her soul had refused to leave

and hence the confusion

she was declared dead clinically

they issued a death certificate for her

Cause of death - systematic failure of thoughts, heart and ....... dreams.

Cave...

there is a cave
a deep one
beyond this beautiful forest
forest of flowers and leaves and trees and wind

this cave is star-lit dark, deep and silent

adorned by flowers and forest on the front it is rarely seen by the passerbys

sometimes when the world is too much
i walk into my cave
and spend hours here
talking to the silence
listening to the noise outside this silence
trying to think about silly things

like

what would happen if i could catch a star and stitch it into a dress
if i could fold the moon into a triangle
use sun as a bonfire in the cold misty nights
convert events of my life into musical notes
what kind of music would it be - shrieking, musical or plain out of tune
what is the color of my soul now
what was it when i was born
who was i in the other realm
who am i in the present one
what is my color - black, brown, or colorless
what is my composition
anti-matter or the matter
am i evil or pure or nothing
what mood is mine  - sad, happy or stone, plain stone
am i confident, under confident, conceited or plain idiot
am i closed or open
why do i giggle like a child
and cry like a heartbroken adult
am i a hero, a coward or non-existent entity

will this tiring journey ever end .....
or
i have miles and births to go

there are no visitors to this cave
absolutely none

the flower forest has many :))

the cave
and the noise of ocean beyond it
is arrested somewhere
deep
very deep
non-reachable
me.

nobody knows the address and the location of this spot. it does not exist for them.

Welcome to my Antique Shop...!!!

 

I run a small and indistinctive shop
I have trust, fidelity, love, honesty and some soul brands on my shelf..
In those olden days my shop used to be flooded
People liked experimenting with pure and long lasting stuff..
But now i am old..and tired..
Sitting alone and killing my time on my shelves
Dusting every piece of trust, honesty, fidelity etc..etc..
Waiting for a passer-by
Waiting for somebody who would at the least do a window shopping of ...
My precious collection

My shop is located just near that lane
Opposite the shop which sells money and lust..
It is a famous shop
Prominent location on the road..
So it is easy to locate my shop too...

Will you spread the word amongst your friend
Just in case...
They are on a look out for some brands of honesty, fidelity et al ....
They can drop by ..
All the products are everlasting and come with full life guarantee
If it does not work they can throw them in the nearby pond...!

Oh yes...
My shop’s name is

“Antique Collection”...

Written on April 13, 2009

Happy Birthday ..

Missing You.....

this one is for you doc :) !!

this one is for a dear blogger friend who showed enough trust in me and asked me to sketch a face we both liked ..VJ sorry...i have failed miserably in catching the spirit of the face..specifically the eyes ...

My love...My motherland!! Happy Republic Day Mother!!..

India was the richest country on earth till the British invasion in the 17th century.
India has never invaded any country in her last 10,000 year history.
India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.
The world’s first university was established in Takshila in 700BC. More than 10,000 students from all over the world studied over 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
Sanskrit is the mother of all European languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language for computer software (report in Forbes magazine, July 1987)
Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to man. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place in society.
The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago. The very word ‘Navigation’ is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit ‘Nou’.
Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days.
The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.
Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus came from India; Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th century; The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 (10 to the power 6) whereas Indians used numbers as big as 1053 (10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BC during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number is Tera 1012 (10 to the power of 12).
According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the only source of diamonds to the world.
USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century-old suspicion in the world scientific community that the pioneer of Wireless communication was Prof. Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.
The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra, Gujarat (Western India). According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150BC a beautiful lake called ‘Sudarshana’ was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta Maurya’s time.
Chess (Shataranj or Ashtapada) was invented in India.Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical implements were used. A deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion, metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.
When many cultures were nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established the Harappan culture in the Sidhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization).
The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.
Notable Quotes
Albert Einstein said: We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made.
Mark Twain said: India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most structive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.
French scholar Romain Rolland said: If there is one place on the face of the earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is India.
Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA said: India conquered and dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border.
When the Maharaja of Patiala was snubbed by snooty British salesmen at a Rolls Royce showroom in the U.K., he hit back by buying up the entire consignment of 50 vehicles on display and turning them into garbage trucks back home. An English paper printed a picture and the story that made company representatives scurrying to Patiala with an olive branch.

i am nothing without YOU...

she initiated me into the blogging world... i was inspired when i saw her blog and she helped me build this holy void of mine...

• i was a small girl and some petals of a flower fell in my eyes while playing in school ground, she went mad... and threatened everybody with dire consequences if something would go wrong with my eyes..we were barely 7-8 yrs old then
• when during her college interview the panel thought it was ridiculous that i could be her local guardian since i was not married and i was not "old" enough , she chose to quit the college instead of seeing me being insulted infront of the panel - Miranda House was a dream and i was scared that she would not get the seat because of me..but she was not scared..she loved me too much to see anybody talk to me rudely -she did get the seat :) -  we were teenagers then
• i was hungry and i wanted to have chowmein- i did not know where i could locate it in north campus of delhi university - within 30 mts she was on the door of my hostel with a packet from her hostel canteen.. ... we must have been in our twenties or something 
• one morning she called me saying she had to tell me something urgent - she took me to her hostel room and gave me a surprise!! when i opened my eyes there was a brilliant new music system kept as my gift. she had saved her pocket money to buy it.... we were in our twenties or something 
• once we were sitting on a bus stand and a man made a gesture at me - she pounced at him and held him by his collar - i had to calm her down... i never missed a man in my life (movies say they protect you!!) when she was with me 
• when i grew old and started with my career after my masters, i could never have enough money in my first job- the place where i stayed was too expensive and my salary - lower than stipends of some well placed students. i would borrow from her every month and when i would go to return the money to her she would refuse it saying "ours is a relationship, not a business"
• when i started doing well in my job but had no time and still no saving for my hobbies i once expressed my violent urge to start with an oil paint when in real life i had never lifted a brush - she was there with a set of canvas, colors, brush and an easel  on my birthday, she continued getting me canvas pads later too and still loves to see my paintings..
• when i fell in love with a man who was a concept in my head she rang him up and i don't know what she told him (i never talked to him and she never told me) but i guess the essence was - don't mess with my sister and don't hurt her. i only came to know that she was in touch with him when  i got a message saying my sister was tensed since she was not able to locate me and she had rung him up asking about my whereabouts. i had forgotten to tell her that i was going for a night stay with a group of my friends at their house! 
• the most precious books of my library has come from her pocket money....
• now i am married with a kid - she still saves her pocket money and sends me kurtas and bags from delhi.  she sends gifts for my child too ! 

she was born my younger sister but i genuinely feel that once god had finished my creation he was worried who would actually love me and take care of me (given my schizophrenic idiosyncrasy) so he made her .... the other end - she the fair, the lovely, the caring, the strong, value oriented, soft and genuine... i call her my mother... she mothered me when i needed her ... 

she appears in all my predictive dreams along with my father 

i can never in words put across what she means to me , this song can perhaps give words to my feeling...

A supernova...

Lying on this dune here

The precise point where the sky and the desert meets

I look back and think

I was once a star... a supernova in the process

Then i fell off the sky

Wreathing in the anguish of separation with my mother sky...

Unbeknownst to this painful inferno inside me

People down there clapped their hands and asked for wishes

..then...i hit the earth

while the warm wind caressed my dead soul...

along with all the potentials of a supernova

And millions of black holes inside me

I turned into ash

Precisely

At this point where the sky and the desert meets 

an attempt... average one...

A message ....for my little one... loads of love , Maa

The master stroke!!!! What a genius HE is!!!!! a must watch!!

missing him :( ...

How To Save a Life video..A confession to make

I don't know about many people out there , but there have been times when i have thought of quitting. I do not judge people who are on the verge of it because i have been there. Being a psychologist by education i want to do something for this mental health issue. when you come back from the verge of it you realise how beautiful life is... how much there is to look forward to...and what a waste it would have been to escape when it was time to show mental strength. Though i also know that when you are on that plane of thought everything around you justifies its occurrence - feeling lonely, unloved, misunderstood nothing seems to make sense around you. but, once that phase is over you realise the blue sky is still sparkling with yellow sun, that the stars twinkle even in the dark, that there is mystery attached to the wind which can touch you without being seen... that the mother who bore you and father who caressed you, loved you much more than anybody and anything in this world...life is worth living... for our sake..for the sake of people who will be left far behind...with a load of guilt on their heart which they did not deserve...

i want to do something..but i am scared, under-confident of my skill sets ...and probably too cocooned to come out...

i miss you...:(